Flashback

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Twenty Years Ago This Week

As the much ballyhooed Global Year 2000 computer glitch closes in on us, an unlikely array of civic and activist organizations in Marin has assembled to combat this high-tech beast of our own creation.

The various groups are working to alert Marin County citizens and small businesses of major computer problems that could strike at midnight on December 31. Members of these groups also want to ensure that the region’s critical utilities are ready with contingency plans should systems fail.

—Marjean Curtis-Oakes, Feb. 24–March 2, 1999

Thirty Years Ago This Week

Baseball great Vernon “Lefty” Gomez died at age 80. He had an illustrious career with the Yankees and was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1972. Gomez was as famous for his warmth and wit as he was for his pitching skill. He was born in Rodeo, played pro ball first with a team in Point Reyes, retired to Fairfax, and lived in San Marin at the time of his death. The Fairfax Little League park is named in his honor.

—Feb. 24–March 2, 1989

Forty Years Ago This Week

Today, microprocessors are invading virtually every aspect of life in America, changing the way we work, play and think. A new wave of computer-on-a-chip applications and innovations is poised on the horizon, leading industry experts and social scientists to openly proclaim the dawn of a new social revolution, the “Information Age.”

—Jon Stewart and John Markoff, Feb. 23–March 1, 1979

Vintage Broadway

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Anyone going to a performance of Hello, Dolly!—running now at the SHN Golden Gate Theatre through March 17—with an appetite for an enlightened look at male/female relationships is likely to leave quite hungry. The current national tour of the 2017 revival of the 1964 Broadway smash, based on Thorton Wilder’s 1955 revision of his 1938 play, extrapolated from an Austrian playwright’s 1842 extension of an English dramatists 1835 one-act (got all that?), reflects the then-common attitudes toward a women’s place in society and the home.

Those going to a performance of Hello, Dolly! with an appetite to see a Broadway legend at work, or hear magnificent musical classics delivered with gusto, or see a bevy of athletic dancers spring across the stage in spirited numbers based on Gower Champion’s original choreography, or be dazzled by the color and craftsmanship at work in Santo Loquasto’s scenic and costume design, is likely to leave the theater with their appetite satiated.

Tony-winner Betty Buckley (Cats, Sunset Boulevard) plays Dolly Gallagher Levi, a matchmaker and Jill-of-all-trades in 19th-century New York, who’s been engaged by the well-known Yonkers half-a-millionaire Horace Vandergelder (Lewis J. Stadlen) to find him a bride, an assignment which Dolly intends to fill herself. Subplots involve Vandergelder’s niece, Ermengarde (Morgan Kirner), and her paramour, Ambrose Kemper (Garett Hawe), and feed store clerks Cornelius (Nic Rouleau) and Barnaby (Jess LeProtto).

At age 71, Buckley does her damnedest to make the part made famous by Carol Channing (at age 42) her own, and succeeds to an extent. It’s obvious and understandable that her choreography has been limited and that she lacks the vocal power to deliver some of the musical’s biggest moments (“Before the Parade Passes By” was disappointingly flat), but she really delivers in the show’s quieter moments when she engages with the memories of her late husband.

The supporting cast is outstanding, with Rouleau and LeProtto really scoring as the clerks unleashed in New York City, and Analisa Leaming and Kristen Hahn as the objects of their affections.

MVP of this production goes to Stadlen, a reliable Broadway performer for the past 50 years who often toils in the anonymity common to great character actors. His eyebrows are as expressive as anything else onstage.

Go ahead, roll your eyes during “It Takes a Woman,” but don’t be surprised to find yourself cheering after “Put on Your Sunday Clothes” and “The Waiters’ Gallop” and, at the very least, smiling through almost everything else.

‘Hello, Dolly!’ runs through March 17 at the Golden Gate Theatre, 1 Taylor St., San Francisco. Dates and times vary. $56–$256. 888.746.1799. shnsf.com.

Drinkable Art

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Used to be that what’s on the inside is what counted, but in a rapidly changing craft-beer landscape overflowing with a variety of hoppy concoctions, it now seems that what’s on the outside is what matters most. Store shelves are no longer a place to merely display product; they’ve become de-facto art installations, and the products are no longer merely alcoholic beverages; they’ve become works of art. For modern-day microbrew artists, the canvas of choice: a can.

Mashing in Marin

In 1989, Brendan Moylan had to decide between the designs of two artists for the labels that would adorn the first flagship brews of Marin Brewing Company. A design from Cynthia Gibson, a Santa Rosa–based artist, won out. Thirty years later, Gibson still works with Moylan to design the labels for his cans from Marin Brewing and Moylan’s Brewery & Restaurant, the latter being the first brewery to open in Novato in 1995.

Moylan’s is equal parts craft brewery and Irish pub, something reflected in the logo since the beginning. “The Irish ‘M’ is kinda boring,” Moylan says. “We made the Moylan’s ‘M’ with more of Germanic font and added the braids in the background to give it the Celtic feel and weave in my Irish-American heritage.”

Moylan’s logo hasn’t changed much since 1995, but a recent trip to Portland inspired Moylan to tinker with the brewery’s design. The number of medical-marijuana dispensaries on every street corner in the Rose City made an impression on Moylan, who decided to incorporate the green medical-marijuana cross as an alternate logo. The cross is featured on the NorCal IPA and the ManGo Crazy session IPA. The recent demand for craft beer in a can has prompted Moylan to adjust his business model to the consumer base. Although Moylan’s has been canning its beer for five years, last year was the first time the company canned more than it bottled. “The 22-ounce bomber bottles aren’t selling like they used to. Everyone wants to drink their beer out of 16-ounce cans,” he says.

Adjusting to the shift in consumers’ tastes has been made easier by a local, mobile canning company helping independent breweries fulfill can orders.

“The companies like Ball and Crown are no help to craft brewers with their high-volume, minimum-order requirements,” Moylan says. “Breweries like HenHouse that self-distribute are now proving to be the best model.”

Chicken Nuggets

The artist handling the graphic design work for HenHouse Brewing Company is the “one-man art department” of Josh Staples, who worked with the owners at a warehouse facility prior to the brewery’s taproom opening in 2016. Unlike other local breweries, HenHouse has a particularly noticeable mascot taking center stage on its cans: the hen. “Animal logos are iconic,” says Staples, “and people can relate to that and the love of nature.”

HenHouse’s founding members hold a strong connection to chickens, hailing from Petaluma. Staples grew up on a farm and chose a “Petaluma-style hen” as inspiration for the HenHouse mascot. “I had a few renditions of the hen, and it went from being ornate to a little more realistic,” he says. “I tried using a wood-cut print at first, then combined hand-drawn elements. You can’t have a brand called HenHouse and not have a hen. We want people to know it’s a HenHouse beer when they see it.”

HenHouse’s recognizable lineup of beers catapulted the brewery into something of a ruler of the roost for the North Bay craft-beer scene. The brewery developed a hardcore following of hop-heads, eagerly anticipating releases of their “conspiracy theory” line of India pale ales, like the Chemtrails IPA, throughout the year.

As the brewery’s tap list has expanded, so have the designs. The hen has found herself standing atop a mound of cash outside a bank vault for the Inside Job IPA, directing airplanes as an air traffic controller on the Denver Airport IPA, and going where no chicken has gone before, standing on the lunar surface in the Hollow Moon IPA.

“As a kid who grew up interested in conspiracies, it’s fun to play with them in my art now,” Staples says. “But it’s also tricky because you want to make it light and relatable, and when putting the hen in there, I try to make her safe.

“In the beginning,” he adds, “she was stoic and always on her own, but when we started putting her in outer space and driving tractors, I wanted to make sure she still looked dignified.”

Staples’ favorite design outside of the conspiracy theory line is a brut IPA called Joy Delivery System. The design is a fantasia of frightful fun, featuring a hop-juggling, unicycle-riding beer can, a giant clown face, hot-air balloons and, of course, rainbows. The Joy Delivery System artwork serves as a delightful tapestry of amusement, conveying the euphoric sensation one might feel after imbibing the brut IPA.

“It’s really colorful and wacky, and reminded me of an ’80s cartoon puzzle. We actually ended up releasing a jigsaw puzzle based off that label,” he says.

Although Staples and HenHouse continue to push the look of their cans to new frontiers, Staples prefers to rely upon an old-school aesthetic.

“The creativity and the hand-drawn elements are most important to me,” he says. “I still draw on paper. We have several binders full of hand-drawn designs at the brewery.”

Simplicity Sells

Despite the staggering number of craft breweries reappropriating, reimagining and remixing the way beer is brewed and viewed, there remains a small contingent of microbreweries opting for a “less is more,” scaled-down approach.

Santa Rosa’s Moonlight Brewing is renowned for crafting classic beer styles for over 20 years, and Fogbelt Brewing Company has developed a unique, albeit understated, look behind its brand of brews since opening in 2013. Fogbelt’s theme of a tree-lined setting under a dense layer of fog is the staple imagery for many of its flagship beers, the majority of which happen to be named after coastal redwood trees found only in the fog belt. The brewery rarely strays away from this region-centric marketing, a concept that took root from the beginning, says Fogbelt’s principal graphic designer Paul Hawley.

“The theme comes from our personal affinity with the area,” he says. “Besides, what’s better than hiking in the redwoods and enjoying a nice IPA afterward?”

Hawley comes from a wine background, designing labels and serving as general manager for his family’s winery, Hawley Winery in Healdsburg.

“I wanted a label that looked somewhat high-end and got away from the loud and cartoony stuff,” he says. “At Fogbelt, we want the label to show that we take the beer seriously and that we aren’t going to make fun of what’s inside.” What’s inside is a refreshing elixir as crisp and cool as any coastal morning fog.

For Hawley, the challenge is developing fresh ideas for the label art but keeping it consistent with the brand. “If we suddenly released a label that had android-armadillos, people might be like, ‘What the hell is going on at Fogbelt?’” he says.

Android-armadillos notwithstanding, Fogbelt has branched out on occasion with imagery outside of the forest. Fogbelt’s Wet Hop series of cans featuring a head full of hops is a label Hawley designed based on a Soviet, anti-alcohol propaganda poster. Hawley removed the original illustration’s inclusion of hawks inside an empty mind in favor of hops.

“I think reappropriating images is more out of necessity. We don’t have a huge staff of graphic designers. We have to work with what we’ve got,” he says. However, Hawley doesn’t consider himself a graphic designer, “just a guy who taught himself Adobe and likes to tinker around.” Hawleys says that Fogbelt plans on expanding its portfolio of label art by recruiting local artists to design original labels in the future.

An original design of note for Fogbelt from a packaging standpoint is its recently released Godwood Triple IPA. The label of the 12-ounce can displays a giant redwood ascending up the side, and when one Godwood can is stacked atop another, it displays the full-sized image of the tree. “I was just playing around with the format and seeing how I could turn it into more of a canvas,” Hawley says. “We’ve seen the one-upmanship of hopping rates, ABV, and other ingredients, and now what’s left is the packaging—it’s almost an arms race to outdo one another with the hippest and coolest label art.”

Monster Party

New on the Bay Area scene, the hard-hitting and socially conscious rock band Modern Monsters take their primary inspiration from the 1990s era of alternative and experimental rock, hip-hop, soul and grunge, a time when the members were all coming of age.

Formed in San Rafael by Marin-based bassist Brody Bass and also featuring guitarist Rich Wells, vocalist Chari Glogovac-Smith, drummer Keenan Tuohy and guitarist Wyatt Lennon, the group is less than two years old but has already evolved a self-assured sound that has gotten them local attention.

Marin audiences have several chances to catch the band in action in the coming weeks, when Modern Monsters play two sets, including a tribute to ’90s hardcore heroes Rage Against the Machine on Feb. 23 at Peri’s Silver Dollar in Fairfax. They follow that up with a show on Mar. 1 at Smiley’s Saloon in Bolinas with fellow Marin act Sunhunter.

With Bass and Wells splitting co-writing duty, Modern Monsters have gelled in the last six months after several lineup and name changes.

“Brody and I are both very down-to earth people, and don’t let things get under our skin,” says Wells. “And if things do get under our skin, we both have music as a release for that. Whatever emotions are trapped inside us, whenever we write a song, we just let it all out.”

The band is currently midway through recording their debut EP, having laid down several tracks with Grammy-winning producer and engineer Michael Rosen (Rancid, Santana), and they’ve started an online crowdsourced fundraiser on IndieGoGo to help complete the project. Campaign perks include a chance to smash a guitar onstage with the band and a private barbecue concert.

The group is also gearing up to play an unofficial showcase next month in Austin, Texas, during the annual South By Southwest music conference and festival. That showcase will be hosted by Bay Area–based music community Balanced Breakfast, who organize music-industry meetups in cities throughout the country.

More than just a party band, Modern Monsters carry messages of social positivity and tap into an uplifting collective energy at live shows.

“What we do as a band is try to get conversations started, bring down the walls between people,” says Wells. “We appreciate the community and whatever brings it together—we want to be a part of that.”

Modern Monsters rock against the machine on Saturday, Feb. 23, at Peri’s Silver Dollar, 29 Broadway, Fairfax. 9pm. $10. 415.459.9910.

Letters

Totes Dig It

I, like, totally dug the issue within the issue, Nikki’s Spotlight on Sausalito (“Savvy in Sausalito,” Feb. 13). It helped me recall my youth in the ’50s and ’60s when, as a high school jock, I tried to be cool and hang with the Beatniks along Bridgeway, specifically at the Tides on Friday nights, and later on at the entrance to Trident where, were you a horny teenaged hetero male, you were able to see exquisite examples of the feminine divine, and perhaps catch a glimpse of your glorious future true love.

In my mind the town is still, and always will be, a great place to play tourist, no matter how many other visitors are present, and no matter how much it may cost to park.

It remains La Dolce Vita and La Vie de Bohème, southern Marin–style—North Beach with an actual Beach.

Craig J. Corsini, San Rafael

PG&E at Work

The trouble call had come in; it was for a gas odor.

I was with “B” on a job with PG&E in the hills above Novato. We had arrived early, did our set up (flags, cones) and waited. The on-the-job time was set for 8am. Sometime later (9am-ish), PG&E rolls onto the site with a large utility vehicle and a trailer carrying a backhoe. The PG&E guy gets out and gives our setup the once-over. “OK,” he says. He confers with his two associates, reviews the work order and then goes and gets coffee.

PG&E drills the first hole for the gas sniffer: “F––k!” More discussion among the work crew. The second, third, fourth and fifth holes are drilled and with the same result; the expletive gets louder and more harsh. Finally, a resident in the corner house comes out. She approaches me and asks if she should call someone, because she thinks there will be a medical emergency soon. I tell her to go ahead.

This is the PG&E I know.

Gary Sciford, Santa Rosa

Hero & Zero

Hero

Now that the sun is shining again over Marin, folks are assessing damage from the atmospheric river that hit us last week. WildCare, a nonprofit agency that treats 4,000 sick and injured wild animals annually, says it is used to its roof leaking and floor flooding. In the best of years, its location on Albert Park Lane in downtown San Rafael is prone to flooding.

Unfortunately, this storm revealed many new water problems, including a large leak in the recently renovated roof over the animal food storeroom. WildCare needs our support to batten down the hatches against future rains.

The Facilities Repair & Renovate Fund will pay for necessary repairs to the roofs, floors and caging that keep wildlife patients protected and ensure that volunteers and staff stay dry while working. Be a hero and donate to the fund by visiting discoverwildcare.org or calling 415.456.7283.

If you can’t donate, how about volunteering for the unique opportunity to help heal wildlife? WildCare holds its annual orientations on Saturday and Sunday, Feb. 23–24, and it’s the only chance this year to become a volunteer at their wildlife hospital.

The orientation introduces potential volunteers, ages 15 and older, to the essential work at the hospital, including preparing healthy and natural meals for wildlife patients, weighing ducklings and feeding baby songbirds. Of course, volunteers do less glamorous work too, such as cleaning cages and washing dishes.

Your orientation day includes a presentation and a tour of the hospital. Volunteers commit to 11 hours of hands-on training at the hospital, and then to a regular four-hour shift once a week through the end of November. The experience is extremely fulfilling and many people continue their volunteer work beyond the initial commitment.

For more information and to register for an orientation, visit WildCare’s website. For questions not answered on the site, contact volunteer services director Kelle Kacmarcik at vo*******@**************re.org, or call 415.453.1000, ext. 21.

Hero & Zero

Hero
Now that the sun is shining again over Marin, folks are assessing damage from the atmospheric river that hit us last week. WildCare, a nonprofit agency that treats 4,000 sick and injured wild animals annually, says it is used to its roof leaking and floor flooding. In the best of years, its location on Albert Park Lane in downtown San Rafael is prone to flooding.
Unfortunately, this storm revealed many new water problems, including a large leak in the recently renovated roof over the animal food storeroom. WildCare needs our support to batten down the hatches against future rains.
The Facilities Repair & Renovate Fund will pay for necessary repairs to the roofs, floors and caging that keep wildlife patients protected and ensure that volunteers and staff stay dry while working. Be a hero and donate to the fund by visiting discoverwildcare.org or calling 415.456.7283.
If you can’t donate, how about volunteering for the unique opportunity to help heal wildlife? WildCare holds its annual orientations on Saturday and Sunday, Feb. 23–24, and it’s the only chance this year to become a volunteer at their wildlife hospital.
The orientation introduces potential volunteers, ages 15 and older, to the essential work at the hospital, including preparing healthy and natural meals for wildlife patients, weighing ducklings and feeding baby songbirds. Of course, volunteers do less glamorous work too, such as cleaning cages and washing dishes.
Your orientation day includes a presentation and a tour of the hospital. Volunteers commit to 11 hours of hands-on training at the hospital, and then to a regular four-hour shift once a week through the end of November. The experience is extremely fulfilling and many people continue their volunteer work beyond the initial commitment.
For more information and to register for an orientation, visit WildCare’s website. For questions not answered on the site, contact volunteer services director Kelle Kacmarcik at vo*******@**************re.org, or call 415.453.1000, ext. 21.

Awards Plight

First, they came for the dweebs, and I said nothing: one savors the Oscar shuffle over whether or not cinematographers and editors are going to be lauded on camera. It was a brilliantly idiotic move to edit the technical awards out, and the board of directors had to backtrack once the film industry set up a righteous squawk about the snub.

This drastic move toward a more streamlined Oscar night began years ago, when the ceremony started gliding over the technical awards. When they staged off-screen award lunches to honor the engineers, inevitably, lifetime award winners were left as mere B-roll, screwed out of their rightful place on the stage at the Kodak Theater. I wanted to hear what Charles Burnett had to say about the way the industry treated him, when he got his long-deserved honorary Oscar in 2017. But the Governors Awards broadcast put Burnett—director of indie masterpieces Killer of Sheep (1977) and To Sleep with Anger (1990)—onscreen for, like, 10 seconds.

The board of directors sawed through the “boring” parts in an effort to make the Oscar show more like the Golden Globes’ “everybody wins” participation trophy ceremony. Thus the expansion of the Best Picture category from a ruthless five to a far too many eight picks.

I watch no Globes, golden or otherwise, no Grammys either—even at the risk of missing the edifying sight of a country music legend turning up hammered, muffing the guitar solo in “Pretty Woman” and then publically wetting himself. I will have no other trophy shows before me except for the longest-running, cruelest of them all, wherein old scores are settled, where deserving people get completely stiffed as mediocrities are exalted.

Forecasting the awards is like The Casting Game: you want, you settle for, you get (as in, “You wanted Bernie, you settled for Hillary, you got Orange Thanos”).

Best Actress I’d prefer Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? but I literally don’t get a vote. I’d settle for Lady Gaga, who did a credible job animating a semi-dead warhorse. But half a dozen times Glenn Close has gone home with the special dishonor of the Oscar loser—shame! humiliation! defeat!—and this year she was nominated for The Wife, in which she played, get this, a passed-over award winner.

Best Supporting Actress Always the most fascinating category, with a range of character actresses in age and personality. Regina King richly deserves it for If Beale Street Could Talk. Marina de Tavira is a real long shot, but the maternal opaqueness she brought to Roma—that quality that makes you go crazy trying to figure out your mother—is worth celebrating. Rachel Weisz has been in a number of much better movies than The Favourite, and we should remember them if or when she wins.

Best Actor Willem Dafoe was brilliant in At Eternity’s Gate, completely overcoming that calloused patch over the heart that long-time film watchers get about Vincent van Gogh. One would settle for Christian Bale’s transformation into the snarling Dick Cheney in the equally snarling Vice. There must be Academy members wondering if giving the Oscar to Bale would embarrass Cheney, seeing as nothing has been able to embarrass him previously. But they’ll probably give it to Viggo Mortensen for that bad popular movie where he plumped up and went full guido.

Best Supporting Actor Richard E. Grant in Can You Ever Forgive Me?, not a breakthrough, but a role that epitomizes his screen efforts as a rotter. If Sam Rockwell wins, so be it. The best part of Vice was that shot of Rockwell, as President Bush, studying a piece of fried chicken as if it were a chess problem. Probably it’ll be Sam Elliott for being Sam Elliott in A Star Is Born, per critic James Rocchi’s Borgnine Rule: Whenever handicapping Oscars, just ask yourself, “Who would Ernest Borgnine vote for?” seeing as the Academy skews toward the AARP (and Elliott was on the cover of the AARP magazine).

Best Picture Win or not, Roma was the best picture of 2018. A Star Is Born is a serious contender, a tale of rehab hinging on the fiction that there is exactly one person controlling the music industry, and if you don’t please him, it’s curtains. If the mendacious Green Book is the winner, it’s neither better nor worse than any other based-on-a-true-story buddy movie. Anything but Bohemian Rhapsody, because if we follow the chain that leads from this to the biopics of Elton John and Bowie, we’re going to end up seeing Jared Leto dressed up as Jobriath, Adam Driver as Adam of Adam and the Ants, Paul Dano as both Ron and Russell Mael, and “so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

The Academy Awards ceremony will be broadcast on Sunday, Feb. 24, at 5pm on ABC.

Horoscope

ARIES (March 21–April 19) In December 1915, the California city of San Diego was suffering from a draught. City officials hired a professional “moisture accelerator” named Charles Hatfield, who promised to make it rain. Soon Hatfield was shooting explosions of a secret blend of chemicals into the sky from the top of a tower. The results were quick. A deluge began in early January of 1916 and persisted for weeks. Thirty inches of rain fell, causing floods that damaged the local infrastructure. The moral of the story, as far as you’re concerned, Aries: When you ask for what you want and need, specify exactly how much you want and need; don’t make an open-ended request that could bring you too much of a good thing.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20) Actors Beau and Jeff Bridges are brothers born to parents who were also actors. When they were growing up, they already had aspirations to follow in their mom and dad’s footsteps. From an early age, they summoned a resourceful approach to attracting an audience. Now and then they would start a pretend fight in a store’s parking lot. When a big enough crowd had gathered to observe their shenanigans, they would suddenly break off from their faux struggle, grab their guitars from their truck and begin playing music. In the coming weeks, I hope you’ll be equally ingenious as you brainstorm about ways to expand your outreach.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20) According to Edward Barnard’s book New York City Trees, a quarter of the city is shaded by its 5.2 million trees. In other words, one of the most densely populated, frantically active places on the planet has a rich collection of oxygen-generating greenery. There’s even a virgin forest at the upper tip of Manhattan, as well as five botanical gardens and the 843-acre Central Park. Let’s use all this bounty-amidst-the-bustle as a symbol of what you should strive to foster in the coming weeks: refreshing lushness and grace interspersed throughout your busy, hustling rhythm.

CANCER (June 21–July 22) As a poet myself, I regard good poetry as highly useful. It can nudge us free of our habitual thoughts and provoke us to see the world in ways we’ve never imagined. On the other hand, it’s not useful in the same way that food and water and sleep are. Most people don’t get sick if they are deprived of poetry. But I want to bring your attention to a poem that is serving a very practical purpose in addition to its inspirational function. Simon Armitage’s poem “In Praise of Air” is on display in an outdoor plaza at Sheffield University. The material it’s printed on is designed to literally remove a potent pollutant from the atmosphere. And what does this have to do with you? I suspect that in the coming weeks you will have an extra capacity to generate blessings that are like Armitage’s poem: useful in both practical and inspirational ways.

LEO (July 23–August 22) In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov published her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. She defined her newly coined word “limerence” as a state of adoration that may generate intense, euphoric and obsessive feelings for another person. Of all the signs in the zodiac, you Leos are most likely to be visited by this disposition throughout 2019. And you’ll be especially prone to it in the coming weeks. Will that be a good thing or a disruptive thing? It all depends on how determined you are to regard it as a blessing, have fun with it and enjoy it regardless of whether or not your feelings are reciprocated. I advise you to enjoy the hell out of it!

VIRGO (August 23–September 22) Based in Switzerland, Nestle is the largest food company in the world. Yet it pays just $200 per year to the state of Michigan for the right to suck up 400 million gallons of groundwater, which it bottles and sells at a profit. I nominate this vignette to be your cautionary tale in the coming weeks. How? 1. Make damn sure you are being fairly compensated for your offerings. 2. Don’t allow huge, impersonal forces to exploit your resources. 3. Be tough and discerning, not lax and naïve, as you negotiate deals.

LIBRA (September 23–October 22) Sixteenth-century Italian artist Daniele da Volterra wasn’t very famous for his own painting and sculpture. The work for which we remember him today is the alterations he made to Michelangelo’s giant fresco The Last Judgment, which spreads across an entire wall in the Sistine Chapel. After Michelangelo died, the Catholic Church hired da Volterra to “fix” the scandalous aspects of the people depicted in the master’s work. He painted clothes and leaves over the originals’ genitalia and derrieres. In accordance with astrological omens, I propose that we make da Volterra your anti-role model for the coming weeks. Don’t be like him. Don’t engage in cover-ups, censorship or camouflage. Instead, specialize in the opposite: revelations, unmaskings and expositions.

SCORPIO (October 23–November 21) What is the quality of your access to life’s basic necessities? How well do you fulfill your need for good food and drink, effective exercise, deep sleep, thorough relaxation, mental stimulation, soulful intimacy, a sense of meaningfulness, nourishing beauty and rich feelings? I bring these questions to your attention, Scorpio, because the rest of 2019 will be an excellent time for you to fine-tune and expand your relationships with these fundamental blessings. And now is an excellent time to intensify your efforts.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22–December 21) Michael Jackson’s 1982 song “Beat It” climbed to No. 3 on the record-sales charts in Australia. On the other hand, “Weird Al” Yankovic’s 1984 parody of Jackson’s tune, “Eat It,” reached No. 1 on the same charts. Let’s use this twist as a metaphor that’s a good fit for your life in the coming weeks. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you may find that a stand-in or substitute or imitation will be more successful than the original. And that will be auspicious!

CAPRICORN (December 22–January 19) The Space Needle in Seattle, Wash., is 605 feet high and 138 feet wide—a tall and narrow tower. Near the top is a round restaurant that makes one complete rotation every 47 minutes. Although this part of the structure weighs 125 tons, for many years its motion was propelled by a mere 1.5 horsepower motor. I think you will have a comparable power at your disposal in the coming weeks: an ability to cause major movement with a compact output of energy.

AQUARIUS (January 20–February 18) In 1941, the Ford automobile company created a “biological car.” Among its components were “bioplastics” composed of soybeans, hemp, flax, wood pulp and cotton. It weighed a thousand pounds less than a comparable car made of metal. This breakthrough possibility never fully matured, however. It was overshadowed by newly abundant plastics made from petrochemicals. I suspect that you Aquarians are at a phase with a resemblance to the biological car. Your good idea is promising but unripe. I hope you’ll spend the coming weeks devoting practical energy to developing it. (P.S.: There’s a difference between you and your personal equivalent of the biological car: little competition.)

PISCES (February 19–March 20) Cartographers of Old Europe sometimes drew pictures of strange beasts in the uncharted regions of their maps. These were warnings to travelers that such areas might harbor unknown risks, like dangerous animals. One famous map of the Indian Ocean shows an image of a sea monster lurking, as if waiting to prey on sailors traveling through its territory. If I were going to create a map of the frontier you’re now headed for, Pisces, I would fill it with mythic beasts of a more benevolent variety, like magic unicorns, good fairies and wise centaurs.

Advice Goddess

Q: I’m a female comic, so being smart and funny and having a strong personality is basically my job, as well as who I am. A friend had me stop by his business meeting at a cafe so he could introduce me to a client he was hoping to set me up with. I tend to show off when I’m nervous (going big, loud and funny), and I apparently terrified the guy. My friend scolded me, telling me it’s a turnoff for men to have to compete with a woman. Come on! I’d be thrilled to have a partner who is smarter and funnier. Shouldn’t men be like that, too?—Bummed

A: As a powerful, confident woman, you can make a man feel like a real animal: a Chihuahua in a bee suit nervously peeking out of a little old lady’s purse. Social science research finds that there’s a bit of a chasm between what men think they want in a female partner and what they actually end up being comfortable with. For example, when social psychologist Lora E. Park surveyed male research participants, 86 percent said they’d feel comfortable dating female partners smarter than they are. They likewise said they’d go for a (hypothetical) woman who beat their scores in every category on an exam. However, when they were in a room with a woman who supposedly did, the men not only expressed less interest in her but moved their chairs away from her (as if they might catch something from her if they sat too close!).

This seems pretty silly, until you look at some sex differences in the importance of social status. Sure, it’s better for a woman to be the head cheerleader (as that plays out in junior high and beyond), but a woman isn’t less of a woman if she isn’t the alpha pompom-ette. Manhood, on the other hand, is “precarious,” explain psychologists Jennifer Bosson and Joseph Vandello. It’s achieved through men’s actions but easily lost or yanked away—like by being shown up publicly by a chick.

The answer isn’t to be someone else on a date (somebody dumber, with less personality). But maybe, seeing as some of the big-personality stuff comes out of fear, you could try something: Challenge yourself to be vulnerable. To listen. To connect with people instead of impress them. You should also seek out men who are big enough to not feel small around you—men who are accomplished, as well as psychologically accomplished. These are men who’ve fixed whatever was broken in them or was just less than ideal.

Q: I’m friends with this guy—only friends, and he knows it. But lately, we’ll be on the phone, talking about our businesses, and he’ll suddenly start talking dirty (saying sex things he wants to do with me). I just make a joke and get off the phone, but then he’ll do it again the next time. How do I get him to stop?—Uncomfortable

A: You get a lot out of your friendship—but last you checked your Venmo, not $2.99 a minute. There you are, talking about your plans for the third quarter, and there are the guy’s sex thoughts—kind of like a goat ambling into your living room. As annoying as this must be, his being motivated to do it isn’t inexplicable. In surveying the scientific literature on sexual desire, Roy Baumeister and his colleagues find evidence for what many of us probably suspect or believe: men, in general, have a far stronger sex drive than women.

This is reflected in how, among other things, men “experience more frequent sexual arousal, have more frequent and varied fantasies, desire sex more often, desire more partners, masturbate more, want sex sooner, are less able or willing to live without sexual gratification,” and are often interested in freakier stuff.

You can most likely get him to stop—but not through hinting or hanging up when the conversation goes “What I’d like to do to you with my tongue”–ward. Tell him straight out: “Hey, from now on, we need to keep the raunchy talk out of our phone conversations. Makes me seriously uncomfortable.” There’s a time and place for everything, and sex talk suddenly flying into your casual conversations is like placing your order at a drive-thru speaker—“Hi, I’d like the cheeseburger with fries”—and hearing heavy breathing and then a low male voice: “That’ll be $8.97—and a picture of your feet.”

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Advice Goddess

Q: I’m a female comic, so being smart and funny and having a strong personality is basically my job, as well as who I am. A friend had me stop by his business meeting at a cafe so he could introduce me to a client he was hoping to set me up with. I tend to show off when...
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