Q: I was talking with this guy I’ve known for over six years who lives a plane ride away. It was late at night on a weekend, he was saying all this mushy sexy stuff and how he wanted to fly me out to his city, blah, blah, blah. Afterward, he never called or texted again. It’s been weeks now. He’s done this before—come on hot and heavy, then disappeared. He doesn’t drink or do drugs, so that isn’t an explanation. Why do men do this?—Feeling Dumb For Believing…Again

A: Well, on the upside, he isn’t afraid to express his feelings. On the downside, if you’re like many women, you prefer your relationships long-form—more Nicholas Sparks’ “The Notebook” than 3M’s “The Post-it Note.”

You aren’t the only one on these calls who buys into everything the guy says he has in store for you (and no, I’m not suggesting there’s an FBI agent listening in from a “cable company” van). While this guy is on the phone with you, chances are he also believes what he’s telling you—which is to say, deception has a brother, and it’s self-deception.

Evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers defines self-deception as “the active misrepresentation of reality to the conscious mind.” As for how the self can end up being “both the deceiver and the deceived,” Trivers and fellow evolutionary researcher William von Hippel explain that our mind seems to have “information-processing biases” that “favor welcome over unwelcome information” in a way that reflects our goals. (Think rose-colored horse blinders.)

Trivers and von Hippel note that believing our own hooey helps us sell it to other people: If you aren’t conscious that you’re lying, you won’t be burdened by the mental costs of maintaining “two separate representations of reality” or show physical signs of nervousness at possibly getting caught.

Understanding all of this, try to go easy on yourself for being a bit of a slow learner on the “fool me twice” thing. If this guy was also putting one over on himself in these phone conversations, that probably made it much more believable to you. Mark him as emotionally toxic and come up with a plan in case he calls again. Options include blocking his number, not picking up, or figuring out how to control the conversation if he veers off into Sweetnothingsville.

Q: I went on three or four dates with this dude, and he said it wasn’t really working for him and stopped calling. I’m confused about what went wrong or what put him off. My friends tell me to leave it alone. Doesn’t he owe me an explanation for why he isn’t interested anymore, considering we went on multiple dates?—Baffled

A: You are owed: 1. The correct change. 2. The news that a guy you’ve been dating is no longer interested. Period. It’s not his job to tell you that you are, say, bad in bed or have all the table manners of a coyote on recent roadkill.

Still, it’s understandable that you’re pining for an explanation. Research by psychologist Daniel Kahneman suggests that being in a state of uncertainty makes us very uncomfortable. It makes sense we evolved to feel this way, as going through the world in a state of ignorance doesn’t increase our chances of survival, mating and passing on our genes: “Oh, what a pretty berry! Here’s hoping it won’t cause violent convulsions and death!”

However, there’s a way to alleviate the mental itchiness caused by not knowing, even in cases where there’s no way to know what really happened. You could say we believe what we think—especially what we repeatedly think. Studies by memory researcher Elizabeth Loftus find every time we recall a story (or even something we’re told might have happened to us) it encodes it more deeply in our minds, often to the point where it starts to seem like it actually happened.

In line with this, come up with a story for why the guy bailed, and tell it to yourself repeatedly. For example, imagine him saying, “I just remembered that I’m emotionally unavailable” or, if that seems a little boring, “Your slight nose whistle is actually endearing, but it seems to have a thing for Dave Matthews covers, and I can’t stand that band.”

MarinScapes has been a popular summer tradition in Marin for 31 years, though it’s never looked quite like this. The annual art exhibition and sale that returns to Escalle Winery in Larkspur on June 20-23 and supports the work of Buckelew Programs is being dubbed MarinScapes Reimagined 2019, featuring guest curators Donna Seager and Suzanne Gray of Mill Valley’s Seager/Gray Gallery and boasting a new twist on the plein-air landscape paintings that usually adorn the event.

“MarinScapes is so beloved by the community, and we have a wonderful group of artists that return every year,” says Buckelew Programs Director of Development Katrin Ciaffa. “This year, we wanted to look at a new perspective, to reinvent ourselves a little bit.”

To that end, Buckelew invited Seager and Gray to act as a new set of eyes for the fundraiser, and they developed the concept of “The Invented Landscape,” displaying abstract and other interpretations of landscape paintings in addition to the traditional Marin County landscape art and photography that event goers are used to.

“I think it fits really well with what Buckelew Programs does,” says Ciaffa. “Because we provide mental health and addiction services, and recovery is all about reimagining your life, imagining that things are going to be different.”

Founded in 1970, Buckelew Programs provides a wide range of services for nearly 10,000 adults and children throughout the North Bayincluding outpatient counseling programs, a regional suicide prevention hotline and outreach program and supportive housing and employment services.

“Because mental health really affects the whole community, not just the person diagnosed with an illness, but their family and friends, we try to provide services that help everybody,” says Ciaffa.

For their part, Seager and Gray were elated to curate this year’s event. “It’s a time-honored tradition,” says Seager. “I’ve always loved MarinScapes and those plein-air paintings they show.”

In reimagining the event, Seager says they decided to go big, noting that several pieces in the show are large-scale art installations. Exhibiting artists who put the abstract spin on the show include Kim Ford Kitz, who Seager says gets the bones of a landscape down on canvas before she plays with paint; Carole Pierce, whose paintings Seager describes as “the feeling of light filtered through trees”; and Sanjay Vora, whose works Seager compares to a visualized memory with a gauze-like texture overlaying the landscape.

Other local artists displaying during MarinScapes includes Kathleen Lipinski, Tom Killion and Susan Schneider Williams.

Advance tickets to MarinScapes are recommended, as Thursday’s opening gala is already sold-out. Friday night features an artist reception, and Saturday and Sunday both begin with art talks by Seager and Killion, respectively.

MarinScapes also takes advantage of its location within Escalle Winery, in the hills of Larkspur and usually closed to the public. “It’s a bucolic property,” says Ciaffa. “People are always stunned by the beauty of the location and the art.”

MarinScapes Reimagined 2019 takes place Jun 20-23, at Escalle Winery, 771 Magnolia Ave., Larkspur. Thursday, Sold-Out; Friday, 5:30pm, $25. Sat-Sun, noon, $20. Saturday’s art talk begins at 11am prior to opening. Tickets and information at buckelew.org.

Q: I’ve heard that we’re romantically attracted to people who look like us. Is that true? I don’t think any of my boyfriends have looked anything like me, but I’ve seen couples who look so similar they could be related.—Wondering

A: There is this notion that opposites attract. Actually, the opposite often seems to be the case. According to research on “assortative mating,” people tend to pair up with partners who are physically similar to them—creating a matchy-matchy assortment—more often than would be expected through random chance.

To explore how much matchiness is appealing to us, social-personality psychologists R. Chris Fraley and Michael J. Marks used a computer to blend each research participant’s face into the face of a stranger of the opposite sex. They did this to increasing degrees, morphing in 0 percent, 22 percent, 32 percent, 39 percent, and 45 percent of the research participants’ features. Their research participants rated the strangers’ faces most sexually appealing with the 22 percent blend.

In another morphing study, neuropsychologist Bruno Laeng and his colleagues mixed each participant’s face with that of their romantic partner—with 11 percent, 22 percent, and 33 percent blending. And again, 22 percent was picked consistently—suggesting that people find their romantic partners more attractive when they look just a bit like them.

Granted, it could be a coincidence that the exact same percentage—only 22 percent morphed—popped up in both studies. However, what’s noteworthy is that more resemblance didn’t lead to more attraction. This jibes with how some degree of similarity is genetically beneficial, increasing the likelihood of desirable traits showing up in partners’ children. (Tall plus tall equals tall.)

However, evolution seems to have installed a psychological mechanism to keep us from lusting after extremely similar partners, such as siblings and first cousins. Such close relatives are more likely to have the same rare recessive genes for a disease. A recessive gene when paired with a dominant gene (say, from a genetically very different partner) doesn’t express—that is, the person doesn’t develop the disease. But when two recessive genes get together…PARTAAAY!

This isn’t to say everyone’s going to resemble their romantic partner, but we seem subconsciously drawn to people who share our features to some extent.

Q: I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. I know sex is important, but sometimes we’re tired or not in the mood. I want to keep our intimacy alive. What are some things we can do to stay connected physically?—Embarrassed Having To Ask

A: Many couples do eventually need help from a professional to connect physically—whether it’s an advice columnist, a sex therapist, or a bank robber who leaves them duct-taped together in the vault.

It turns out the answer isn’t all that complicated: Basically, you just need to bring in some of the G-rated part of foreplay and afterplay (without the sex in between). Psychologist Debby Herbenick and her colleagues note that researchers have found three things—kissing, cuddling, and massage—to be “important aspects of sexual intimacy … associated with relationship and sexual satisfaction.”

Helpfully, the Herbenick team chiseled apart what they call the “KCM composite”—the way kissing, cuddling, and massage get mushed together in studies. They felt that this blending might obscure “important differences” in the effect of each. In fact, they found that cuddling seems to be uniquely powerful, increasing emotional intimacy (as well as sexual pleasure) in a way kissing and massage do not.

Though you’re seeking a solution for when you’re too zonked for sex, it’s important to make sure that cuddling is often an end in itself. This, paradoxically, should help keep your sex life alive: Your wife will see your cuddles as an expression of your love rather than a sign that you just want something out of the sexual vending machine. Ultimately, cuddling for cuddling’s sake is probably the best way to keep from getting to the point where “taking care of her in bed” involves holding a mirror under her nose to see if she’s still breathing.