After discovering definitive proof that Vikings reached the shores of North America 1,000 years ago, anthropologists have since learned that the Nordic explorers felt dissed that they weren’t invited to the first Thanksgiving.
Recently translated Viking ship logs indicate that “no one even tried to reach out, despite the fact that we predate the arrival of Columbus, the Virginia settlement and the pilgrims and their stupid hats.”
Other recently resurfaced documents indicate that the pilgrims allege they did invite the Vikings, but the invite was lost in the mail. The Vikings dispute this since the U.S. postal system would not be invented until 1775.
Scholars suggest the pilgrims excluded the Vikings due to their tendency to drunkenly chant, “We have the need, the need for mead!”
After that, it seems the offended Vikings took their boat and went home. Or did they?
Several genealogists have conjectured that descendants of these Nordic North American explorers may live among us today, and that vestiges of Viking culture may persist in modern form.
“Take, for example, the recent proliferation of beards among cohorts of young, male-identified hipsters,” observes Dr. Indra Mudavarthi of the Freestone Institute’s department of genetics and gerontology. “When we see this kind of atavistic evolutionary trait—long red, braided beards on man-bun and skinny jean-wearing 20-somethings—we could actually be looking at malnourished Vikings.”
Mudavarthi contends that with proper care and feeding, these so-called “vike-lings” could eventually reach their full final form as full-blown berzerkers. “Thanksgiving, it’s the perfect opportunity to fatten them up,” she says.
“Their vegan diets aren’t good for growing Vikings,” says Murdavarthi, who claims to have raised several Vikings in captivity last summer on a diet consisting of organic reindeer jerky and a variety of locally-made microbrews. “They wouldn’t eat anything else once they were weaned off of plant-based ‘burgers’ and oat milk.”
Fearing arguments about politics, religion and whether or not we can “Make Valhalla Great Again,” members of the eastern seaboard-based Mayflower Supper Club Society, who claim to be descendants of the original pilgrims, expressed reluctance when pressed by Mudavarthi to invite her Viking brood to their annual “first Thanksgiving” re-enactment.
“We might have room at the kiddie table, but then, of course, there are concerns about child welfare,” said the dining society’s president and spokesperson, Todd Aswegan, citing unfounded rumors of alleged cannibalism historically amongst Viking sailors.
She added, grumbling, “You eat one oarsman and everyone thinks cannibalism is like your thing.”
Originally published in the ‘Weekly World News.’