Advice Goddess

 

Q: I am not attracted to “nice guys.” I’m in my early 30s, and I don’t think I have low self-esteem. I don’t like to be mistreated, either. In fact, I want somebody loving and faithful, but I find the guys I “should” be dating predictable and boring. (So cliche, I know.) I seem to end up dating guys who cheat on me and have problems with the law. Is there such a thing as a good man who’s also a bad boy?—Longing

A: When you date a “bad boy,” there are always adjustments to be made, like getting adjusted to how he’s sleeping with three of your friends.

It’s easy to go unrealistic in looking for love. On the gooier side of romantic unrealism are the people determined to find their “soul mate.” (No such perfect partner actually exists—just somebody they’re compatible with in essential ways.) You, on the other hand, seem to be drawn to a guy who’s had a cellmate. Women very often go for bad boys out of low self-esteem, but you insist this isn’t your problem. If not, maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship and are going for guys who’ll crash and burn what you have together before you get itchy to get out. But it seems more likely that you’re an excitement junkie, turning to bad boys because they’re reliable providers of it—the obvious downside being that they steal not only your heart but also your wall clock, which they sell to buy cigarettes.

Most people will tell you they like excitement, but chances are you have a strong aversion to the dull and routine and a craving for excitement and variety—to the point where your comfort zone is more the end of the bungee cord than the end of the couch. If you do feel this way, you’re likely a high scorer in a personality trait that researcher Marvin Zuckerman deemed “sensation seeking,” which involves a lust for novel, complex, and intense sensations and experiences and a willingness to take physical and social risks to get them.

Sensation-seeking appears to have a strong biological basis. So if this is part of your makeup, it’s not like you can just decide to take up with the nearest accountant (that is, one who isn’t embezzling from the mob). What you can do is look for good guys who have some of the positive qualities bad boys do, like confidence, charisma, creativity, spontaneity, and a wicked sense of humor. They won’t be easy to find, but consider that every bad boy you’re with sets you back from getting together with a good guy who also meets your need for speed. To keep yourself from taking any further dips in the felon pool, figure out alternative ways to get your excitement needs met (skydiving, tsunami-surfing, regular shortcuts through dark alleys?). This should free you up to meet the sort of guy who figures he’s justified in using the carpool lane because he’s pulling you behind his car on Rollerblades, not because he’s got a couple of bank tellers tied up in the trunk.

Q: My brother has had a crush on this woman for a long time, but somehow the timing never worked out for them to date. A few months ago, I ran into her at a party. One thing led to another, and we ended up hooking up. Now my brother and this woman are finally giving it a go. He and I really don’t have secrets from each other, so this is weighing on me, and I feel like I should tell him.—Need To Disclose

A: Having sex with a woman isn’t like the moon landing. There’s really no need to put the word out about who got there first. In general, when you lay a piece of information on someone, it should benefit them in some way. In this case, it would be one thing if you had important supplemental information to disclose, such as “sex with this woman is best followed up with a penicillin nightcap.” But the disclosure you’re looking to make simply self-serves a purpose—for you to get a load off your chest by immediately transferring it to your brother’s. What’s done cannot be undone, and though some men can shrug off the sex their girlfriend had with some guy before they were dating, not all can, and it’s especially hard when “some guy” is one they’ll be seeing at every family gathering for the next 70-some years. Sure, as the saying goes, “information wants to be free.” But as with a Great Dane in heat, that doesn’t mean you should just open the gate and let it out … so it can make sweet feverish love to everything in the neighborhood, starting with the neighbor’s Mini Cooper.

Feature: Stuck in traffic

by Joanne Williams

Behind the lights and extravagance of the halftime shows, a dark side exists to any blockbuster sporting event like the Super Bowl, one of the biggest opportunities for human trafficking in the United States, according to a member of the Marin County Task Force on Human Trafficking.

Events like the Super Bowl—scheduled for the Bay Area in 2016—attract pimps and their prized commodity—under-aged children. High-profile events always draw large crowds and are lucrative opportunities for child prostitution criminal enterprises, the Task Force has found. In the past, these under-aged workers have ranged from 12-17 years old, according to Linda Witong, retired deputy district attorney and president of Soroptimist International of Marin County, an organization that supports women and girls and which is an official member of the Marin County Human Trafficking Task Force.

The children and teens are wooed into the life of prostitution from emergency shelters, group homes, bus stations, airports, hotel lobbies, abusive homes, shopping malls and largely through the Internet. They are often runaways, like the 15-year-old Sacramento girl who was found at the Villa Inn in San Rafael in mid-December in the company of Leevester Hall, or the 16-year-old runaway from Washington state, in the company of a 20-year-old woman, discovered in San Rafael on Dec. 23. They were booked on suspicion of trafficking a minor.

But to Witong, these cases are not unique. She relayed the story of a 12-year-old girl traveling by herself across the country. The taxi driver who picked her up alone at home didn’t question her; she didn’t arouse any particular interest until, when en route to California, she started to cry. The flight attendant asked the girl what was wrong. “I am meeting a boy in Los Angeles that I have never met and I’m scared,” she said, clutching her teddy bear tighter. “I met him on the Internet.”

The alarmed flight attendant alerted authorities, and when the plane landed, agents were able to track the intended ‘boy’ to a small house in Pasadena where three other young girls were being held against their will, “servicing” as many as a dozen men a day in a human trafficking ring. The “boyfriend” was a pimp.

Steve Gutzler of Compassion2One—a Seattle-based organization dedicated to rescuing children from sexual exploitation—said that malls and other public places that attract children are major recruiting grounds for child prostitution. The exploiters are primarily looking for female minors.

Recent media reports show that human trafficking—a $32 billion industry worldwide—has become the second-fastest growing criminal industry in the nation, second only to drugs. It has made its presence known in communities such as Marin County, said Witong, who spent 32 years in the D.A.’s office.

“The average age a child enters into the life of a prostitute is 13,” Witong said, “and some are as young as 8. Many of these children are abused, neglected or homeless and they are offered friendship and often a place to stay. These children are mostly girls, but some boys are recruited also. Marin is a hub, part of a ring that extends from Southern California through Fresno, San Francisco, Oakland, Marin and then back south.”

“The classic exploiter,” Witong continued, “is going to groom these children, offer them friendship, buy them presents and perhaps offer them a place to stay. The exploiter will then have the girls turning tricks within a couple of weeks.”

This past November, Kyle Edward Beyer, 25, of Mill Valley, was sentenced to 60 days in custody for trying to meet a girl for sex at a San Rafael hotel.

Beyer was arrested in June as part of Operation Cross Country, a nationwide crackdown on human trafficking and child prostitution. Led by the U.S. Department of Justice and the FBI, the crackdown also involved local law enforcement agencies.

Beyer was caught when he responded to an Internet posting—written by a San Rafael police detective—offering sex with a 13-year-old girl. After arriving for his appointment with the supposed prostitute, Beyer was arrested at the Villa Inn.

Beyer pleaded guilty to planning to meet someone he thought was a minor, for lewd and lascivious acts. On top of the 60-day sentence, Beyer was ordered to register as a sex offender for life.

These true stories and others are evidence of the prolific crime of human trafficking throughout the nation and in Marin County, Witong said. Now she and colleague Emily Sims (Pacific Sun 2014 “Role Model” Hero of Marin) are members of the Marin County Human Trafficking Task Force, which educates the police, the public, schools and human service agencies.

“One of the problems,” Witong said, “is that the hip-hop culture and songs such as “P.I.M.P” or “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” have played a huge part in society’s acceptance of the pimp culture. In addition, the first image of a pimp one might envision, is that of a male in snazzy clothes and a fancy car. The truth is, pimps can be either men or women who come from all walks of life and can be young college kids, a postal worker, a teacher, a gang member or even a high school student.”

Of the 58,115 abductions reported in 1999, 58,000 were abductions by friends, acquaintances or caregivers. “It’s a myth that prostituted children do it because of excitement,” Witong said. “Ninety-three percent of prostituted children suffered from sexual abuse prior to entering the life, 85 percent were on welfare and 50 percent were associated with gangs. And once they do they feel they haven’t a choice for a different life.” Witong, who was an NGO delegate to the UN Commission on the Status of Women, participated in the UN hearings in New York and Geneva about human trafficking.

Prostitution isn’t the only kind of human trafficking. Men and women are often trafficked for labor.

Emily Sims of West Marin Advocacy (www.westmarinadvocacy.org) is another spokeswoman and herself a victim of an abusive relationship when she was 19. “From my caseload, I’ve had three calls regarding labor trafficking cases, comprised of adult domestic workers in caregiving positions,” Sims said. “My referrals come from law enforcement and social service agencies, as well as concerned citizens. Also, I have identified over 20 survivors of sex trafficking (about three-fourths being over 18 and the other one-fourth being under 18.” Of the adult survivors, roughly half were exploited as juveniles.

Further, Sims is working on creating a digital intake form to better represent true figures. “I am collaborating on that project with the Marin Women’s Commission, Human Rights Commission and Juvenile Justice Commission,” she said.

“It’s difficult to say if numbers are decreasing or increasing,” Sims continued, because “sexual assault in general is a very underreported crime. In terms of being a true menace, yes, sexual exploitation exists in Marin County, across all racial and socioeconomic lines. I have clients from very affluent families and clients who have experienced lifelong poverty.”

The current Look Beneath the Surface campaign has been placed at 40 bus shelters throughout the county, with the aim of identifying and responding to labor trafficking. When the posters come down next month, Sims will be able to call the hotline listed on the posters to determine how many calls originated from Marin during this campaign.

In the meantime, Witong suggests that if you see any suspicious or fearful behavior among young people who are with older adults and suspect that the child may be involved in human trafficking, call The National Human Trafficking Resource Center at 1-888-373-7888. If you suddenly observe your child with an excessive amount of cash, expensive presents that you did not purchase, hotel keys, chronic running away or other erratic behavior, immediately limit your child’s interactions with the individual in question.

Then, in a safe and supportive environment, engage your child in a conversation regarding their relationship and interactions with the individual. If you discover that your child has been victimized, contact legal authorities immediately for further action.

Email Joanne at le*****@********un.com and for more information on international human trafficking, visit www.journeyhomefoundation.org.


 

United Nations report on human trafficking

From the salt ponds in South Korea to textile production in the third world, human trafficking is rampant. Modern slavery occurs everywhere in the world, according to a global report on human trafficking issued late last year from the UN Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) in Vienna. And trafficking in children is on the rise.

“Unfortunately, the report shows there is no place in the world where children, women and men are safe from human trafficking,” said UNODC Executive Director Yury Fedotov. “Official data reported to UNODC by national authorities represent only what has been detected. It is very clear that the scale of modern-day slavery is far worse.”

Girls make up two out of every three child-victims—who together with women account for 70 percent of overall trafficking victims worldwide. Children constitute 62 percent of all victims in Africa and the Middle East. Trafficking for forced labor, including manufacturing, construction, domestic work and textile production, has increased steadily over the past five years, and 35 percent of victims are female.

There are, however, regional variations as to why people are trafficked in the first place. For example, victims in Europe and Central Asia are mostly trafficked for sexual exploitation, whereas in East Asia and the Pacific, forced labor drives the market. In the Americas, the two types are detected in almost equal measure.

Most trafficking flows are interregional, the report found, and more than six out of 10 victims have been trafficked across at least one national border. The vast majority of convicted traffickers—72 per cent—are male and citizens of the country in which they operate.

However, no country is immune—there are at least 152 countries of origin and 124 countries of destination affected by trafficking in people, and over 510 trafficking flows criss-crossing the world.

This needs to change, Fedotov stressed. “Every country needs to adopt the UN Convention against Transnational Organized Crime and the protocol and commit themselves to the full implementation of their provisions.”

“Even if most countries criminalize trafficking, many people live in countries with laws which are not in compliance with international standards that would afford them full protection, such as the Trafficking in Persons Protocol,” Fedotov said.

Source: UN Office on Drugs and Crime


 

Slavery at isolated salt farms in South Korea   

Slavery thrives on a chain of rural islands off South Korea’s rugged southwest coast, nurtured by a long history of exploitation and the demands of trying to squeeze a living from the sea.

Five times during the last decade, revelations of slavery involving the disabled have emerged, each time generating national shame and outrage. One case prompted a nationwide government probe over the course of several months last year. Officials searched more than 38,000 salt, fish and agricultural farms and disabled facilities and found more than 100 workers who had received no or only scant pay.

Soon after the South Korean national government’s investigation of the salt farms in Guro, South Korea, activists and police found another 63 unpaid or underpaid workers on the islands, three-quarters of whom were mentally disabled. Some were severely beaten and mistreated because they could not follow instructions.

Some refused to leave the salt farms because they had nowhere else to go. Several freed disabled slaves told the AP that they will return because they believe that even the salt farms are better than life on the streets or in crowded shelters. In some cases, relatives refused to take the disabled back or sent salt farmers letters confirming that they didn’t need to pay the workers.

Yet little has changed on the islands, according to a months-long investigation by the AP based on court and police documents and dozens of interviews with freed slaves, salt farmers, villagers and officials.

Source: Associated Press and CBS News, Jan. 2, 2015

What’s Your Sign?

by Leona Moon

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Hibernation never felt so good, Aries! With Pisces swimming upstream into Mars, it’ll be hard for you to muster the motivation to complete nearly any task. This, too, shall pass and instead of stressing about your deadline three weeks away from Thursday, try de-stressing with a nice down comforter.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Back to the grind, Taurus! Sure, you may be sick of hearing about all of your friends hashtagging “New Year, New You!” eight times a day, but, for you, those words do carry a significance. Opportunities at work never looked more promising—don’t settle on Jan. 10.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) Looking good, Gemini! Is that a new gel in your hair or is it just Venus lining up perfectly with your chart? Your looks will be on your radar come Jan. 12. Don’t be afraid to try something new—maybe it’s time to dust off that fringe suede coat from ‘77.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Curious about your cash, Cancer? If your bank account has you wondering what’s worth spending on and what’s worth saving for, the stars are here to help you make a few expedited decisions on Jan. 14. Good news about your finances will arrive in an unfamiliar way—don’t ignore any emails or phone calls from your third cousin once removed!

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) We know what you’re looking for, Leo! Can’t seem to shake the thought of long walks on the beach and the sweet sound of serenading Spanish guitar riffs? Don’t panic—you’re ruled by your heart after all, and Venus is here to keep romance on the brain—especially on Jan. 13. Give into your inner romantic—your partner will thank you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Knock knock, Virgo! Who’s there? A pile of cash. Literally—money is headed your way on Jan. 13. Try to act surprised when your boss offers you a raise—wouldn’t want him to shoot the messenger. In any event, you will be recognized for your hard work and finally no longer have an excuse to avoid getting the garbage disposal fixed.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Thinking about the one that got away, Libra? Well, don’t worry; your love story isn’t finished just yet. Keep an ear and an eye out—you might hear from and receive a message from a long lost love. Never thought your high school sweetheart would resurface in your life? That’s the magic of the stars—don’t be shy on Jan. 11. A little rekindling never killed anyone.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) What’s that sound, Scorpio? It’s your partner screaming and pounding his or her fists into the table, thanks to your latest IKEA project. Yep, it’s that time again. Time to redecorate and feng shui your home. On Jan. 14, take the time to assess what needs to go in your humble abode.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) A romantic getaway is nigh, Sagittarius! What’s more romantic that spending a weekend with your one true love? Getting out of town and exploring a new place with a bunch of strangers. Dance all night on the bar tops and give out a fake name at Starbucks—you have no one to answer to—live it up on Jan. 15!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Take it all the way to the bank, Capricorn! The holidays got a little more expensive than you were hoping for, but there’s good news. You’ve got no need to spend anymore. Map out a savings plan on Jan. 12. Those $5 shakes were getting expensive and pretty counteractive to your New Year’s fitness plan anyways.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) It may be a new year, but that doesn’t mean you can just splurge on whatever your heart desires, Aquarius! Costs are going up and it seems, while you may have no noticed, your bank account certainly has. Watch out for excess spending beginning on Jan. 13. Lotto tickets are tempting, but if you keep guessing the same (wrong) numbers, there’s no point.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) You’ve got the winning argument, Pisces! Whatever battle you’re trying to win, whatever pitch you’re trying to sell—it’s a go on Jan. 12. You’re in charge and in control and any idea you present will be met with praise and recognition. (Even that idea about a mandatory company team bowling night.)

Letter: ‘And, when I ask him how vigorously he enjoys playing with me …’

The boy who cried woof

Most Sun readers likely do not know that I own a dog by the name of Smokey.

He is 2 years of age and a mixture of Labrador retriever and Blue Heeler.

Smokey, it just so happens, is fluent in English.

For example, when I ask him how his day has gone, he tells me, “Rough.”

When I ask him to describe the texture of sandpaper, he says it is, “Rough.”

When I take him along on golf outings and ask him where my normally errant drive has landed, he points and says, “Rough.”

And, when I ask him how vigorously he enjoys playing with me out of doors, he says, “Well, Skip, if it is all the same to you, I would prefer to minimize the risk of injury.”

Skip Corsini, San Carlos

Letter: ‘One guy, in a pink Lacoste shirt with a baseball cap stole a bag of candy …’

Not ‘top’ of the pops by any standard!

I would really appreciate it if you could add two 60-year-old farts to your Zero tally.

I attended the Marin Symphony Pops program on Tuesday evening and two older guys (not together) skipped in front of the concession line, in front of tons of kids. I told both men that the line ended “over there.”

One guy, in a pink Lacoste shirt with a baseball cap stole a bag of candy and left, and the other guy told me he was waiting for someone to say, “hi.” Needless to say, he did not say “hi” to anyone, but did buy a glass of wine.

I hope both of these guys got a huge lump of coal in their Christmas stockings!

Debra Lewandowski, Marin

Letter: ‘Instead of worrying about Obama’s birth certificate, we should …’

Well, if he immigrated from Hell over five years ago, he gets amnesty

Instead of worrying about Obama’s birth certificate, we should be checking to see if Dick Cheney was actually born in Hell as the spawn of Satan.

Carlo Gardin, Fairfax

Letter: ‘One would have to be a complete moron to not know that …’

The glory klunkerz

Referring to mountain bikers who ride fast as “rogues” or “bad apples” means that Joe Breeze, Charlie Kelly, et al, are all bad apples and rogue bikers. One would have to be a complete moron to not know that cycling is more fun when you ride fast, both on and off road, as I do. Mountain biking is all about thrills related to speed.

Just accept the fact that an activity whose main appeal is the thrill of speed will never be compatible with other users on public trails or even protection roads. Not to mention the clanking of chains and howling brakes to really annoy other users. A small point, perhaps, but the speed of mountain bikers means an increased number of encounters per unit time, making the parkland experience seem rather more like downtown San Francisco.

Do you ever hear of “rogue” hikers, whose speed endangers or disrupts other users? It’s like mountain bikers have brainwashed land managers and the press.

Carlo V. Gardin, Fairfax

Letter: ‘Yours has become nothing but an annoying soapbox …’

Er, which story is this in reference to …?

I always thought Letters to the Editor was a place for readers to comment on stuff previously written in the paper. Yours has become nothing but an annoying soapbox of pontification. Not one reference to anything from the paper this week.

Boring.

Jerry Slick, Mill Valley

Letter: ‘I worry about an accident …’

Three feet wide and riding

Well put, Richard [“It’s Like ‘Sons of Anarchy’ But With More Lycra,” Dec. 19]. I worry about an accident. I wonder if the driver will be considered at fault no matter what. My pet peeve is this new law that I am to leave 3-feet clearance between my car and the cyclist. Does that apply when cyclists are riding two and three abreast? And, how do I measure? Perhaps Sausalito can have its own licensing requirement; written test first, of course.

Barbara Nelson, Sausalito

Letter: ‘Are we, missing something …’

We’re hiding our face in the sand about this …

Are we, missing something [“The Getaway,” Dec. 26, a roundup of local bars]? Snipped this article, late in the night, did not notice, mention, of the Sand Dollar Restaurant in Stinson Beach! Has the best full bar in West Marin! Has every imaginable amenity: one of three unmatched fine dining restaurants in Stinson Beach; second-to-none alcoholic beverages with a long sports bar, large flat screen, friendly bartenders, dice cups, service with a smile, bilingual waitresses, owner on site, Hungarian manager with Polish wife, as well as oysters barbecued on site, all-American steak and seafood menu, Muzac Trio, as well as full bands for holidays in the village of Stinson. Nicest beach town in Nor Cal, 3.5-mile long white-sand beach with Bolinas Lagoon Sanctuary at the base of redwood tree forest of Mt. Tamalpais, six miles from Muir Woods National Park by hiking trails, Shoreline Highway 1 as well as Panoramic Highway.

Stinson Beachcomber, Marin

Advice Goddess

advice goddess
  Q: I am not attracted to “nice guys.” I’m in my early 30s, and I don’t think I have low self-esteem. I don’t like to be mistreated, either. In fact, I want somebody loving and faithful, but I find the guys I “should” be dating predictable and boring. (So cliche, I know.) I seem to end up dating guys...

Feature: Stuck in traffic

human trafficking in marin
by Joanne Williams Behind the lights and extravagance of the halftime shows, a dark side exists to any blockbuster sporting event like the Super Bowl, one of the biggest opportunities for human trafficking in the United States, according to a member of the Marin County Task Force on Human Trafficking. Events like the Super Bowl—scheduled for the Bay Area in 2016—attract...

What’s Your Sign?

All signs look to the 'Sun'
by Leona Moon ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Hibernation never felt so good, Aries! With Pisces swimming upstream into Mars, it’ll be hard for you to muster the motivation to complete nearly any task. This, too, shall pass and instead of stressing about your deadline three weeks away from Thursday, try de-stressing with a nice down comforter. TAURUS (April 20...

Letter: ‘And, when I ask him how vigorously he enjoys playing with me …’

The boy who cried woof Most Sun readers likely do not know that I own a dog by the name of Smokey. He is 2 years of age and a mixture of Labrador retriever and Blue Heeler. Smokey, it just so happens, is fluent in English. For example, when I ask him how his day has gone, he tells me, “Rough.” When I ask...

Letter: ‘One guy, in a pink Lacoste shirt with a baseball cap stole a bag of candy …’

Not ‘top’ of the pops by any standard! I would really appreciate it if you could add two 60-year-old farts to your Zero tally. I attended the Marin Symphony Pops program on Tuesday evening and two older guys (not together) skipped in front of the concession line, in front of tons of kids. I told both men that the line ended...

Letter: ‘Instead of worrying about Obama’s birth certificate, we should …’

Well, if he immigrated from Hell over five years ago, he gets amnesty
Well, if he immigrated from Hell over five years ago, he gets amnesty Instead of worrying about Obama’s birth certificate, we should be checking to see if Dick Cheney was actually born in Hell as the spawn of Satan. Carlo Gardin, Fairfax

Letter: ‘One would have to be a complete moron to not know that …’

The glory klunkerz Referring to mountain bikers who ride fast as “rogues” or “bad apples” means that Joe Breeze, Charlie Kelly, et al, are all bad apples and rogue bikers. One would have to be a complete moron to not know that cycling is more fun when you ride fast, both on and off road, as I do. Mountain biking...

Letter: ‘Yours has become nothing but an annoying soapbox …’

Er, which story is this in reference to ...? I always thought Letters to the Editor was a place for readers to comment on stuff previously written in the paper. Yours has become nothing but an annoying soapbox of pontification. Not one reference to anything from the paper this week. Boring. Jerry Slick, Mill Valley

Letter: ‘I worry about an accident …’

Three feet wide and riding Well put, Richard . I worry about an accident. I wonder if the driver will be considered at fault no matter what. My pet peeve is this new law that I am to leave 3-feet clearance between my car and the cyclist. Does that apply when cyclists are riding two and three abreast? And, how...

Letter: ‘Are we, missing something …’

We’re hiding our face in the sand about this ...
We’re hiding our face in the sand about this ... Are we, missing something ? Snipped this article, late in the night, did not notice, mention, of the Sand Dollar Restaurant in Stinson Beach! Has the best full bar in West Marin! Has every imaginable amenity: one of three unmatched fine dining restaurants in Stinson Beach; second-to-none alcoholic beverages with...
3,002FansLike
3,850FollowersFollow