.Your Letters, Feb. 21

Announcement of Candidacy

I am nearly 73 years old, hearing-impaired, forgetful, degenerate, infirm, cognitively challenged, unfocused, lame, imbecilic, thoughtless, incoherent, syphilitic, worn out and incapable of original thought.

The last time I was worth a damn to society, they were creating a bonfire with disco records out in left field at Comiskey Park.

There is only one thing left to do for which I am qualified, based on observations of what’s happening in our country.

I’m running for president.

Craig J. Corsini

San Rafael

Gerontocracy

President Joe Biden and his new rock ’n’ roll band, the Dystopiacrats, will soon embark on their 2024 Propaganda/Censorship Tour.

While on the road, the band will be performing favorite songs from their new album, including “Ode to Genocide Joe: Tallakerchie Bridge,” “Yes—We Will Be Fooled Again,” “Eco-terrorist Blues,” “2000 Light Years From Reality” and their new hit single, “Crimea River.”

Economists predict that this year’s tour will not make any money but actually go into debt, (another) trillion dollars. The band isn’t worried, though…they know that the ticket holders (their adoring fans) will be more than happy to pay for the whole thing.

Weird Doug Haymaker (Leftie)

Penngrove

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