by Rick Polito
FRIDAY, JAN. 2 X-Men Origins: Wolverine It turns out his super powers do not include carrying a movie on his own. (2009) FX. 8pm.
Al Capone: Icon A local businessman learns the value of proper tax accounting and following federal regulations. KQED. 9pm.
The Tonight Show Michael Cera continues his “No, I’m Not Jesse Eisenberg” tour. NBC. 11:35pm.
SATURDAY, JAN. 3 The Beach Leonardo DiCaprio plays a free-spirited traveler who stumbles on an idyllic beach where a community of like-minded bohemians live a carefree existence amid a scene of tropical splendor. But his wireless provider’s coverage is spotty so he goes home. (2000) Sundance Channel. 7pm.
Network Ranting television news personalities raising hysteria about the decline of the nation used to be fiction. (1976) KQED. 8pm.
SUNDAY, JAN. 4 Galavant If medieval musical romantic comedies take off, does that mean we’ll all be wearing tights and tunics next fall? ABC. 8pm.
16 and Pregnant: Where Are They Now? We’re going to go with shopping at Walmart? MTV. 8pm.
Celebrity Apprentice Geraldo Rivera courting the approval of Donald Trump is practically an infomercial for cutting cable and going full Netflix. CBS. 9pm.
MONDAY, JAN. 5 The Bachelor The new bachelor is a businessman and farmer from Iowa, which means the “winner” gets to move to Iowa and live on a farm. We’d advise bad makeup and a faked speech impediment. ABC. 8pm.
Branson Famous Being famous in a town where Boxcar Willie is a headliner is like being the employee of the month in a prison chain gang. TruTV. 9:30pm.
Booze Traveler In this series, the host travels the world to try cocktails and brews in exotic locales. In our family, we call that “traveling.” Travel Channel. 10pm.
TUESDAY, JAN. 6 The Curse of Oak Island A pair of brothers search for a legendary treasure off the coast of Nova Scotia on an island rumored to be booby-trapped. Wandering across a cold, forbidding landscape hoping to avoid life-threatening traps while dreaming you may one day have enough money to retire? Sounds like the new middle class to us. History Channel. 6pm.
Alien: Resurrection In the fourth film, Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley character is reborn as a clone with alien DNA, which gives her super strength, increased healing capacity and the ability to speak the dialogue with a straight face. (1997) Starz. 7:05pm.
Marvel’s Agent Carter Captain America’s girlfriend from World War II takes on secret missions for Iron Man’s dad. So it’s a super hero show, but she doesn’t have any super powers, unless you count being a woman in the ‘40s who is allowed to do anything interesting. ABC. 8pm.
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 7 People’s Choice Awards Nobody ever asked us? Who are these “people”? Maybe they should change it to “Some People’s Choice.” CBS. 9pm.
My Strange Addiction Apparently there are men who wear rubber masks and dress up like Barbie dolls. What could be creepier than that? Going on TV to talk about wearing rubber masks and dressing up like Barbie dolls. The Learning Channel. 10pm.
Remote Control War These are drones—not you and your roommate fighting over which lame reality show to watch. KQED. 11pm.
THURSDAY, JAN. 8 Enchanted A storybook princess is magically transported to modern day Manhattan. We haven’t seen Manhattan look this much like a fairytale since the first season of Sex and the City.(2007) E! 8pm.
Party Down South This is basically Jersey Shore with humidity and different accents. CMT. 9pm.
Expedition Unknown: Amelia Earhart They can’t find a Malaysian airlines Boeing 777 that crashed eight months ago, but they solve the disappearance of a single-engine crop duster from 1937? Travel Channel. 9pm.
Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan plays the new girl in school who gets lured into the orbit of three high school beauties with cold hearts and great complexions, like sharks but with cellphones and credit cards. (2004) Comedy Central. 9pm.
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