Advice Goddess

by Amy Alkon

Q: I like this woman I’ve been seeing, but she’s really in love with me. I’ve been clear that I’m not ready to get more serious and that I’m really never going to be up for that with her. She’s chosen to stick around, but her best friend called me crying, saying I’m breaking her heart. (Yikes!) Is it wrong to stay with somebody whose feelings are much stronger than yours?—Troubled

A: She sees the two of you getting old together. You see the two of you getting together for sex on Friday. The French make this sort of mismatch sound sexy and fabulous, calling what she’s feeling “la douleur exquise”—the “exquisite pain” of wanting somebody you can’t have. But look under the hood and you’ll see an ugly stew of hormones and the psychological gotchas called cognitive biases—unconscious errors in reasoning—leading to an acute case of adult-onset puppy love.

Some would argue that this woman is worshipping at your altar of her own free will (laying if not crops and a goat at your feet, then undying love, Doritos, and beer). The truth is, a cognitive bias called the “sunk cost fallacy” probably has a good bit to do with her sticking around. This describes our tendency to be irrational “investors”—deciding whether we’ll continue putting time, energy, and/or money into something based on what we’ve already put in. This is dumb, because our initial investment is gone, and throwing in more whatever won’t change that. The rational approach would be basing our decision on what kind of payoff we’re likely to see down the road. Unfortunately, though we humans have a reasoning department built into our brain, cognitive biases can keep it a plastic-wrapped no-go zone, much like my late grandma’s living room couch.

Love is not always 50/50, but it also shouldn’t be, oh, 90/10. Eventually, if you have a conscience, taking advantage of her futile hopes will prey on you (if it hasn’t already). And sooner or later, she’s likely to resent and maybe even hate you for sticking around to never give her what she wants—instead providing the dating version of, “Hey, we don’t sell what you need at this store, but please hang out here till we go out of business.”

Q: I have a wonderful new boyfriend, but I’ve been avoiding sleeping over at his place because I snore. Not cute ladylike snores but loud, bed-shaking ones. I’m not overweight. (In fact, I’m in really great shape from CrossFit.) I don’t have sleep apnea. And snore strips and bite guards are useless. (This is something I’ll eventually need surgery for.) I’m afraid my boyfriend won’t be so attracted to me once he hears my “night noises.”—Stressing

A: A guy will generally appreciate a woman who’s kind of a wild thing in bed—just not when he jolts awake to call Animal Control to show up with nets and a tranquilizer gun.

Luckily, it doesn’t have to get to that point—if you and he can think a little differently about doing your sleeping in separate beds, which is supposedly the province of couples who last had sex when FDR was in office. It’s actually that of couples looking to wake up rested instead of exhausted. Though romantic partners insisted to sleep researcher James Horne that they sleep best when they share a bed, the squiggly line of his sleep-monitoring gizmo said otherwise, suggesting that separate beds make for a far less interrupted night’s rest. (This is especially true for anyone with a partner who cage-fights in her dreams, wakes up frequently to sleep-drive to Home Depot, or snores like an asthmatic wolverine.)

Because that which does not kill us can still scare us awake—and because big scary facts tend to shrink to a more manageable size when revealed in advance—you should tell the guy about your snoring instead of letting him find out. And because we judge things by comparison, let him think the worst—if only for a moment. Say, “There’s something I have to tell you …” He’ll wonder, “Oh, no … do I need to go to the clinic?” He should be relieved when you reveal that you “breathe loudly” in your sleep—that is, in a way that announces you’re still alive … to neighbors two doors down. Next, present the solution: doing the fun stuff together in the same bed but slumbering separately. If the guy’s got any smarts, he’ll put this in perspective. The good news: You have an ass like a 22-year-old stripper. The bad news: You snore like a drunken hobo on a bench. (Can’t win ’em all!)

This week in the Pacific Sun

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Have you hit the Bay Trail? Peter Seidman takes a look at the views and politics surrounding the ABAG project. What’s love got to do with it? David Templeton asks all the right questions in a  conversation with director Billie Cox of Ross Valley Players’ current production of Impressionism. Gear up for Valentine’s Day by walking down Memory Lane and revisiting a few romantic classics. Our favorite single lady is back! Nikki Silverstein reports on her latest love stories. Has she finally found the one? Meanwhile, Greg Cahill covers the upcoming final Grateful Dead reunion. All that and more in this week’s issue of the Pacific Sun, available online and on stands today.

Letter: ‘Evidently, my patriotic poem produced an expression of current hatred …’

‘End this reign of hate’

It is hard to miss that this widely proclaimed French phrase includes an “I” or it would spell Jesus, much to the chagrin of third-world terrorists. Apparently my own patriotic feelings have engendered similar concern at the completion of my 25th year in writing my monthly newsletter, “Syzygy.” The recent December issue included my heartfelt poem, “The Great Resolve of Nine-Eleven,” which I had presented at our Glen Ellen Church during a nationwide spiritual outpouring that followed the Twin Towers attack in 2001.

Last month I received word that my poem had been accepted for the 2015 publication, “Who’s Who in American Poetry.” Evidently, my patriotic poem produced an expression of current hatred, as just last week, I was sent an email with a death threat, which notified me directly: “Criticize Islam, you die.” I surmise that he objected to the purpose of my 2001 poem as expressed in the final verse: “To honor thousands who were killed, because some evil minds so willed, we’ll end this reign of hate and show, indeed, our God is great.”
Despite the consequences for this 84-year-old American … “Je suis Charlie”!

Jim Berkland, Glen Ellen

Horoscope: What’s Your Sign?

by Leona Moon

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Are you wearing your feelings on your sleeve, Aries? If your dolled-up face and crisp work blazer are any indication, we’d have to say yes. Confidence is your middle name on Feb. 3—the new moon in fellow sun sign, Leo, will brighten up your day for some bold lovin’.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Did someone say “daddy issues,” Taurus? Don’t take it personally. The stars are here to strike up a conversation with some speed bumps from your past. Mercury in retrograde typically stirs up issues from the past, and this time it might have something to do with D-A-D, or a father figure. Do your best to handle emotionally exhausting situations with tact.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) Talk it out, Gemini! You’ve got a lot to say and it’s time to get it off of your chest. The full moon in Leo on Feb. 3 is going to help you emotionally vomit with the help of carefree reassurance from the stars. There’s no time to wonder; don’t give it a second thought—talk before you think!

CANCER (June 21 – July 22) You’re turning green, Cancer. Nope, it’s not the stomach flu—you’re full to the brim with jealousy. Mercury in retrograde might be causing a few hiccups with you and your dearest darling. Do your best to let past quarrels stay in the past and don’t let a past lover come between you and your flame—that’s just what he or she would want.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) Get ready for your close-up, Leo! The full moon is in your sign on Feb. 3—marking the calendar with a cheat day while Mercury is in retrograde. Communication has been off, but the full moon will help you air all of your grievances and future award-winning ideas all the same.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Shot through the heart, Virgo! And Neptune’s to blame—this Feb. 1, love’s gettin’ a bad name. You’ll be blinded by love all day, which is all fuzzy and sweet to a certain extent, but it might have you making googly-eyes at an incompatible match. Mr. or Miss Wrong might saunter his or her way into your life, thanks to Neptune’s mysteriously illusive power. Keep a strong game face!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Sticks and stones may break bones, but your words are even more awful, Libra! Think before you speak—people have feelings! You might be used to brushing off a few backhanded compliments, but on Jan. 31 you’ll be dishing some out. A few so riddled with passive-aggressive disses, your friends might avoid you for a few weeks. So think before you tell your friend how you really feel about his or her podcast.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Who keeps ringing your doorbell and running away, Scorpio? A secret admirer—duh. With Valentine’s Day around the corner and Venus teaming up with Mars in Pisces, your allure is at an all-time high. You could walk out of the house with toilet paper stuck to a pair of Teva sandals and, remarkably, you’d still have a handful of love interests. Take advantage—swipe right!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Sagittarius! Your brain is teeming with a slew of latest ideas and you can’t wait to share with anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, the clerk at CVS doesn’t care that you’ve decided to go for an M.F.A. instead of an M.B.A. Props for making some life-altering decisions, but don’t sign any papers until Mercury is out of retrograde!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Dust off your knee pads—you’re proposing, Capricorn! The full moon on Feb. 3 is going to make it a little harder to maintain your ever-so-cool practical air and will channel your outspoken side. You won’t be able to let things slip on by—if you’ve got a loved one, you’re putting a ring on it!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Check your notifications, Aquarius! Did you just become Facebook official? The Feb. 3 full moon in your seventh house of partnerships is taking things to the next level with your beloved. If you’re not accepting a relationship request, you might be moving in together. Nothing is too soon with this full moon that is sure to make you swoon. Love is in the air, after all.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) Don’t answer the door, Pisces! A toxic ex-partner will be a-knockin’ come Feb. 5. It’s likely that he or she will not get the memo or leave quietly. Power in numbers—it might be best to stay glued to your BFF’s hip during the few days before and after Feb. 5. Blocking him or her on Facebook and deleting his or her cell number might be your only option.

Letter: ‘Here in West Marin, there is a renewed focus …’

Grass is always greener on other side of the livestock fence

A recent letter to the editor in the Pacific Sun urges readers to stop buying beef or dairy, claiming that they are leading causes of global warming. Although the author did not specify what aspect of raising either was responsible, he was apparently not aware that one of our best hopes for reducing global warming, already proven, is making our grasslands more productive. Large swaths of grass hold promise as one of our most efficient, effective ways of reducing CO2 in the atmosphere, a strategy now recognized in Sacramento … see www.marincarbonproject.org.

As a biodynamic gardener trained at Green Gulch Farm, I have recently been enjoying seeding native perennial grasses: Bromus carinatus, or California Brome and Elymus glaucus, or Blue Wildrye from Larner Seeds. According to owner, Judith Larner, the bunchgrasses native to California, “serve many useful purposes for the home gardener. They are excellent bank holders, and with their deep fibrous root systems, are an important part of the wildflower meadow. Many of them lend themselves to purely ornamental purposes as well. We hope that these grasses, once an integral part of the ecology of the West, will again be grown and appreciated.”

I am somewhat enchanted, taken in with the discovery of learning from these very elemental plants, whose foundation, whose very nature seems to be to “knit up” the soil, convert sunlight to food and provide forage for a variety of animals, from insects to elk. Here in West Marin, there is a renewed focus on livestock with Rebecca Burgess and Nicolette Hahn Niman both leading the way in developing locally sourced, ecologically sound grass-based economies. Burgess’ focus is on sheep and wool, and the working of wool into yarn, citing an ecologically sound wool mill locally, while Niman’s is on grass-fed beef.

Although my gardening background is in French Intensive Biodynamic Horticulture as taught by Alan Chadwick, the “father of organic farming in California,” and in particular growing cut flowers for the altars of the Zen Center and the downtown San Francisco markets, I am much taken with the presence and nature of grasses, learning how they grow, what they respond to, in what ways their use can be promoted, in a home garden project or elsewhere. The more time I spend with them, the more I sense ways in which they are a domain unto themselves, as they tend to “knit up the soil” and create grassland, the primal connection between earth and sky, air and sunlight.

The conversion of grass, through herbivory, to usable products, is fundamental to the evolution of human ecology. Managed well, grazing sustains soil productivity and creates more soil by increasing the rate at which the grass plant uses sunlight to draw carbon from the air to manufacture its sugars and more complex carbohydrates. While industrial agriculture, divorced from natural solar-driven cycles of photosynthesis and decay, is unquestionably contributing to climate change, holistic agricultural approaches, including livestock agriculture, working within those cycles, can play a powerful role in reversing global warming by enhancing the rate at which CO2 is removed from the atmosphere.

Katharine Cook, West Marin

 

Letter: ‘Of all the people who are trafficked in the world …’

Response to Letters to the Editor re: Human Trafficking

Linda Witong of the Marin County Task Force on Human Trafficking supplied the following data in response to reader questions about the Pacific Sun’s story on trafficking (January 9-15): Marin’s Task Force is still in the process of collecting statistics that might show a pattern regarding questions raised by the letters to the editor a few weeks back. The latest UN report covers trends worldwide and includes the biggest markets for which ethnicity. Of all the people who are trafficked in the world, one out of three will be a child … while most regions traffic people that are within their own region or nearby, check out the countries that are some of the biggest consumers of enslaved people. Those most vulnerable to human trafficking are those who are struggling economically and live in areas of violence. Women and girls from racial minorities in the U.S. are disproportionately recruited by sex traffickers in the U.S. Some human traffickers even recruit handicapped young girls, such as those suffering from Down syndrome, into the sex industry.

Regarding Marin: Emily Sims responded that currently her stats don’t show obvious trends over who is exploited or who the exploiters/purchasers are. She also said that as 2015 progresses and more data analysis is done, she would be better able to answer stat-related questions. Further, 72 percent of victims identified by the U.S. task force were born in the U.S., and 16 percent of victims identified were born in foreign countries. For a complete report, see www.unodc.org/documents/data-and-analysis/glotip/GLOTIP_2014_full_report.pdf.

Joanne Williams, Marin

Letter: ‘He got away with it for the first inning ….’

Deflategate has nothing on West Marin softball …

Yesterday I heard Jerry Rice interviewed. Asked if he ever heard of anything like Deflategate before. He said “No.” Neither had I until I remembered:

Thirty-three years ago we formed the West Marin Slow-Pitch Softball League.

The home team was required to provide two, new-in-the box softballs per game. The umpires were required to monitor their use. As you can imagine, in practice, new-in the-box became new-out-of the-box to best available, subject to visiting managers’ approval. In time, compliance slacked, but as both a team manager and league umpire—no potential conflict-of-interest there—I was hyper-vigilant.

One game I umpired, the manager of The-Home-Team-Most-Likely tried to slip in a Restricted-Flight Softball when the visitors, a team of heavy hitters, were up, then replace it with the non-restricted model after his team retired the side. He got away with it for the first inning, but suspecting something was wrong, I called him on his “mistake” and checked the ball before he could do it in the second. For the rest of the game I required him to have me approve the ball before he tried to enter it in the game.

As I recall he made Belichick and Brady seem contrite and cooperative.

Elliott Kolker, Stinson Beach

Letter: ‘If Hell exists, they have truly won themselves a place there …’

When will the insanity end?

As someone who took part in the free-speech movement at U.C. Berkeley in 1964 and who has supported and fought for the right to free political expression in the city and county of Napa for many decades, I want to voice my horror and outrage at the cowardly monstrous act of Muslim extremists in Paris, who shot and killed a dozen unarmed people (including eight journalists) and the editor of the weekly French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo. If Hell exists, they have truly won themselves a place there. When will the insanity end? When will we all recognize that we are all part of one infinite source of spiritual energy? That what we do to others, we do to ourselves?

Al Cardwell, Napa

Trivia: What actor, in what currently popular film, plays the role of what theoretical physicist afflicted with ALS?

Answer: Eddie Redmayne plays Stephen Hawking in the film The Theory of Everything.

For more trivia questions (and answers!) see Howard Rachelson’s Trivia Café every week in the Pacific Sun.

Letter: ‘The weather is not so muggy …’

Partly Kottke, with a slight chance of strain

Mr. Cahill states in his article [“Finger Pickin’ Good,” Jan. 23] that Leo Kottke, in his liner notes on his 1969 album (with the armadillo on the front), likened his playing to “geese farts on a muggy day”? On my copy of that album, it is his voice that is compared with geese farts, not his playing. I’ve heard Mr. Kottke’s voice. The weather is not so muggy.

Tenney Ford, San Rafael

Advice Goddess

advice goddess
by Amy Alkon Q: I like this woman I’ve been seeing, but she’s really in love with me. I’ve been clear that I’m not ready to get more serious and that I’m really never going to be up for that with her. She’s chosen to stick around, but her best friend called me crying, saying I’m breaking her heart. (Yikes!)...

This week in the Pacific Sun

Have you hit the Bay Trail? Peter Seidman takes a look at the views and politics surrounding the ABAG project. What's love got to do with it? David Templeton asks all the right questions in a  conversation with director Billie Cox of Ross Valley Players' current production of Impressionism. Gear up for Valentine's Day by walking down Memory Lane...

Letter: ‘Evidently, my patriotic poem produced an expression of current hatred …’

‘End this reign of hate’ It is hard to miss that this widely proclaimed French phrase includes an “I” or it would spell Jesus, much to the chagrin of third-world terrorists. Apparently my own patriotic feelings have engendered similar concern at the completion of my 25th year in writing my monthly newsletter, “Syzygy.” The recent December issue included my heartfelt...

Horoscope: What’s Your Sign?

All signs look to the 'Sun'
by Leona Moon ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Are you wearing your feelings on your sleeve, Aries? If your dolled-up face and crisp work blazer are any indication, we’d have to say yes. Confidence is your middle name on Feb. 3—the new moon in fellow sun sign, Leo, will brighten up your day for some bold lovin’. TAURUS (April 20...

Letter: ‘Here in West Marin, there is a renewed focus …’

Grass is always greener on other side of the livestock fence A recent letter to the editor in the Pacific Sun urges readers to stop buying beef or dairy, claiming that they are leading causes of global warming. Although the author did not specify what aspect of raising either was responsible, he was apparently not aware that one of our...

Letter: ‘Of all the people who are trafficked in the world …’

Response to Letters to the Editor re: Human Trafficking Linda Witong of the Marin County Task Force on Human Trafficking supplied the following data in response to reader questions about the Pacific Sun’s story on trafficking (January 9-15): Marin’s Task Force is still in the process of collecting statistics that might show a pattern regarding questions raised by the letters...

Letter: ‘He got away with it for the first inning ….’

Deflategate has nothing on West Marin softball ... Yesterday I heard Jerry Rice interviewed. Asked if he ever heard of anything like Deflategate before. He said “No.” Neither had I until I remembered: Thirty-three years ago we formed the West Marin Slow-Pitch Softball League. The home team was required to provide two, new-in-the box softballs per game. The umpires were required to...

Letter: ‘If Hell exists, they have truly won themselves a place there …’

When will the insanity end? As someone who took part in the free-speech movement at U.C. Berkeley in 1964 and who has supported and fought for the right to free political expression in the city and county of Napa for many decades, I want to voice my horror and outrage at the cowardly monstrous act of Muslim extremists in Paris,...

Trivia: What actor, in what currently popular film, plays the role of what theoretical physicist afflicted with ALS?

Answer: Eddie Redmayne plays Stephen Hawking in the film The Theory of Everything. For more trivia questions (and answers!) see Howard Rachelson’s Trivia Café every week in the Pacific Sun.

Letter: ‘The weather is not so muggy …’

Partly Kottke, with a slight chance of strain Mr. Cahill states in his article that Leo Kottke, in his liner notes on his 1969 album (with the armadillo on the front), likened his playing to “geese farts on a muggy day”? On my copy of that album, it is his voice that is compared with geese farts, not his...
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