Advice Goddess

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Q: I’m a 34-year-old woman in a two-year relationship with a guy. I’ve never been the jealous type. Yet I do feel oddly possessive and jealous in this relationship, especially lately. My friends say this a sign I need to “work on” myself. Really? If so, how? What do I need to do?—Worried

A: “Hey, where’s the boyfriend?” your friend asks as she plops down on the couch next to you. You look at your phone: “Well, according to my tracking device, he’s at the end of Main, turning right onto Slauson.”

Jealousy gets a bad rap. Sure, it’s sometimes a sign that your self-worth is in the toilet. But it can also be a sign that your boyfriend has been sneaking off to the toilet at work with his boss’s busty assistant. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss notes that sexual jealousy appears to be one of the “mate-guarding adaptations” that evolved over human history—a sort of police dog of emotions to protect us from being cheated on. Buss observes that sexual jealousy is activated by “threats to mate retention,” including “the presence of mate poachers” (rivals trying to lure your partner away), “cues to infidelity, or even subtle signals that suggest that a partner might be dissatisfied with the current relationship.”

But there are signals, and then there are meaningful signals. A possibly helpful thing to recognize is that we have overprotective defense systems. “Defense expression is often excessive,” observes psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse. This isn’t an accident or a design flaw. It’s evolution saying, “Hey, hon, let’s be on the safe side here.” Consider the smoke alarm that’s a little oversensitive. This can be annoying when it screams for the hook and ladders whenever the neighbor lights incense next to her tub. But it’s far less annoying than waking up to your toes being crisped by your flaming bedroom rug.

Figure out the source of your feelings so you can address it. Is there something amiss in your psychology that leads you to be overly sensitive—to see a threat where it doesn’t really exist—or are you sensing some meaningful danger to your relationship? It’s one thing to follow the person you love with your eyes as he walks off; it’s another thing entirely to do it with a pair of high-powered binoculars and a bug sewn into his laptop bag.

Q: My boyfriend and I have a TV ritual—watching our favorite show together every week. Yesterday, I had a dinner meeting, and I asked him to wait to watch it with me, but he didn’t. There’s so much other stuff on TV. Did he really need to watch “our show”? He doesn’t understand what the big deal is and told me to just watch the episode myself and get caught up. Grrr.—Mad

A: To be fair, it probably seems like a TV show is just a TV show. What is the big deal if he watches ahead? But it turns out that context matters. This is a TV show you watch together—or, as my boyfriend describes it, it’s a “relationship show.”

It turns out that the fictional social world couples share through their “relationship shows” can be important to their partnership. According to research by social psychologist Sarah Gomillion and her colleagues, it works like sharing a social network of real live friends and family members, fostering a “shared identity.” In fact, their research suggests that sharing a fictional social world “predicts greater relationship quality.” This was especially true among couples who “reported sharing fewer mutual friends with partners.” For those partners, “sharing media more frequently was associated with greater interdependence, closeness and confidence in the relationship.”

As for why you feel hurt, your boyfriend basically sent you the message, “I want to watch this show now more than I want to watch it with you.” But look to how he is in general. Is he loving? Does he usually, or at least often, prioritize your happiness and well-being? If so, you can probably get him to mend his episode-straying ways, simply by explaining why your collective fictional friends are important to your relationship. This is likely to fire up his empathy, or, at the very least, his dread of a brand-new recurring argument: “How can I ever trust you if you can’t—for a single evening—resist the seductive nature of the balding, annoying Larry David?”

Worship the goddess—or sacrifice her to the altar at ad*******@ao*.com.

 

This Week in the Pacific Sun: July 11-17

In this week’s cover story, writer Stephanie Hiller looks at women and girls harnessing the outrage of the #MeToo movement into positive resources and changes for girls. Sexual abuse is about power, says Caitlin Quinn, communications coordinator at Verity, a social service nonprofit in Santa Rosa. Will empowering girls help keep them safe? Read on. Meanwhile, as fallout from the Trump administration’s family-separation immigration policy plays out along the Mexican border and around the country, local elected officials are increasingly engaged in an effort to determine the status of undocumented youths currently housed at a handful of Bay Area immigrant detention centers. Tom Gogola reports. Flora Tsapovsky serves up a story about Bungalow 44’s reboot. Harry Duke reviews School of Rock and doesn’t like it. Charlie Swanson profiles North Bay pop-punkers The Happys. I’ve got a story about the depressed state of California’s cannabis industry six months into legalization. We’ve got all that and more in this week’s Pacific Sun.

—Stett Holbrook, editor

Migrant Lockup

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As fallout from the Trump administration’s family-separation immigration policy plays out along the Mexican border and around the country, local elected officials are increasingly engaged in an effort to determine the status of undocumented youths currently housed at a handful of Bay Area immigrant detention centers.

One of those centers, the BCFS Health and Human Services facility in Solano County, was sued by the American Civil Liberties Union last August, along with Attorney General Jeff Sessions and numerous federal immigration officials.

The Fairfield facility is one of several youth detention centers operated by the San Antonio–based nonprofit company, which this year received $121 million in federal grants to house unaccompanied minors and other migrants. According to an Open Secrets investigation, $3.9 million of that $121 million was for housing for 18 males in California.

According to the Federal Register, in February of this year the company received an addition $15 million in federal funds to help President Trump implement his “zero tolerance” policy for asylum seekers from Central America crossing into the United States through Mexico. The money was earmarked for BCFS to provide an additional 450 beds.

The Fairfield Health and Human Services facility is used to house undocumented immigrant youth from various Central American countries, who, according to the ACLU suit, were mostly rounded up more than 3,000 miles away under the guise of a “gang crackdown.”

The ACLU alleges that the male youths were sent to privately owned detention centers and denied immigrant benefits and services because of “flimsy, unreliable and unsubstantiated allegations of gang affiliation.”

One youth who wound up at the Fairfield detention center, identified as “F.E.” in court documents, is an El Salvadoran teenage refugee who was living with his mother and step-father on Long Island, N.Y., when he was arrested by local Suffolk County police and turned over to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Under the aegis of the federal government’s Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR), he was sent to a Virginia detention center, then to the Fairfield facility before finally being transported to an ORR contracted facility in New York.

He is one of numerous youth from an immigrant-heavy part of Long Island who were, charges the ACLU, “arrested, denied access to family and legal counsel, transported far away from home and held in jail-like conditions for weeks on end without any process through which they could challenge their confinement or deny gang affiliation.”

Earlier this month, U.S. Congressman Mike Thompson attempted to visit an unidentified detention center and was rebuffed by the federal Department of Health and Human Services. Thompson sent a letter to HHS Secretary Alex Azar, saying that it was “unacceptable that you have denied my request and are doing a bureaucratic shuffle aimed at covering up the tragedies of the president’s policy of separating undocumented families,” as he implored HHS to switch course and provide access.

On Monday this week, Thompson and U.S. Rep. Mark DeSaulnier toured an HHS facility in Contra Costa County. In a statement, Thompson noted the high standard of care at the center, but said that “no amount of care at these facilities can make up for the fact that children are being subjected to the harmful and lasting trauma of being separated from their families.”

His office did not respond to questions related to the Fairfield facility.

Last week, two Bay Area women and other volunteers attempted to bring food and supplies to the undocumented migrant children being held at the BCFS facility in Fairfield, which is located in U.S. Rep. John Garamendi’s district.

The women, Elizabeth DeCou and Jesse Inglar, were from Berkeley and part of an organization called Solidaridad con Niños. DeCou was arrested and charged with trespassing.

Garamendi spokesman Dillan Horton says the congressman, who was on the Mexican border this week before returning to Washington, has a “general concern about what conditions these kids and families are in, in general across a variety of facilities across the country.” He emphasized a concern over the mental health of the children being detained, “and the degree of access—it’s valuable for the kids to have access to the community and for the community to have access.”

A report on July 4 in the New York Times highlighted links between numerous privately run detention facilities for undocumented youths, and the Trump administration. It reported that BCFS’s board members include former U.S. Rep. Henry Bonilla, who was on the shortlist to be Trump’s secretary of agriculture, and lobbyist Ray Sullivan, who was Rick Perry’s chief of staff when Perry was governor of Texas. Perry is now Trump’s energy secretary.

As the family-separation crisis grows, the company has pushed off media inquiries to the ORR or other federal agencies, but told the Times on July 4 that its work had “spanned Democratic and Republican administrations.”

The Fairfield BCFS Health and Human Services facility opened in 2009 when Barack Obama was president. During Obama’s presidency, the number of children in the ORR program averaged around 7,500 a year between 2005 and 2011. By 2012, there were about 13,000 youths in the program, and by 2015 there were close to 35,000, according to a recent audit of BCFS undertaken by the HSS Office of Inspector General in 2016.

That audit determined that the company’s Texas centers had overbilled the government by more than $600,000. BCFS disputed the results of the audit.

In 2010, the state Department of Social Services Care Licensing Division sued to close the privately owned facility, which was the first apparent BCSF youth-detention-center foray into California. The state regulators argued that the facility ran afoul of state laws governing child center regulations. Court documents indicate that the suit stemmed in part from the state charging that BCFS was monitoring detainees’ phone calls, and that the company violated a state regulation which said the youths could not “be locked in any room, building or facility premise at any time.” The state did not prevail in its effort to shut the facility down, and in its response to the suit, BCFS lawyers argued that the state didn’t consider “the unique concerns and issues relating to the children residing at the BCFS facility, such as the criminal history associated with some of the residents and their illegal status.”

Anti-immigration organizations took an interest in these facilities before Trump was elected. In 2014, the far-right organization Judicial Watch filed a Freedom of Information Act request with the federal Health and Human Services which sought information on numerous detention centers then being utilized to house the undocumented.

The FOIA request was completed in 2017, and the documents are mainly incident reports from immigrant detention centers around the country, including the Fairfield BCFS facility. The FOIA request spanned several months in 2014 and incident reports from Fairfield indicate that there were several instances of alleged sexual abuse or inappropriate sexual behavior committed by youthful detainees against other detainees.

Another incident report states that a Mexican detainee at the Fairfield facility was threatened with a beating by an ICE officer for not signing an English-language document the detainee did not understand.

The federal Department of Health and Human Services released the incident reports at Fairfield and other unaccompanied-minor detention centers to Judicial Watch on July 14, 2017. The ACLU filed its lawsuit against Sessions and the BCFS Health and Human Services less than a month later, on Aug. 11, 2017.

The focus on California detention centers this month is being undertaken just as a federal judge in California upheld most of the legislative pieces that bolster California’s push to become a so-called sanctuary-state. One of the laws that was upheld was AB 103, which empowers the state to review the federal detention of immigrants in the state.

State Sen. Bill Dodd represents Fairfield and says that “the federal government should be doing everything possible to reunite these children with their parents,” and applauded the federal judge’s ruling that prevents ICE officials from detaining immigrants seeking asylum. “The decision vindicates the premise that the state of California shouldn’t be forced to pay for federal immigration enforcement,” he says. “I hope the federal government comes together to adopt thoughtful, humane reform.”

Dodd’s office says he doesn’t have all the facts on the Fairfield arrests last week and could not comment.

 

Like a Stone

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One might think that the talents behind Downton Abbey and Phantom of the Opera would be odd choices to make a Broadway musical out of a 2003 movie starring Jack Black.

One would be correct.

School of Rock, now on the San Francisco stop of its national tour, is Julian Fellowes and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s overblown take on that modest film whose charm relied mostly on its star.

Dewey Finn (Rob Colletti, doing Jack Black–light) has been kicked out of his band, has no visible means of support and is months behind on the rent due his best friend, Ned (Matt Bittner). After receiving an ultimatum from Ned’s girlfriend (Emily Borromeo) to raise the money or get out, he answers a phone call seeking Ned’s services as a substitute teacher. Since subbing obviously requires no skills at all, Dewey decides he can impersonate Ned and make some quick money.

It’s off to the toney Horace Green Academy where Dewey takes charge of an elementary class whose students have two things in common: they’re all musically gifted and their parents all ignore them. Why not turn them into a backup band and enter them in a competition? How long can he fool the stern headmistress (Lexie Dorsett Sharp, doing Joan Cusack–light) and bring his plan to fruition?

Well, almost to the end of the show’s two hours and 40 minutes, which is about an hour longer than the film took to tell the story.

Webber’s score is his least memorable, as may be this entire production. The characters are stubbornly one-dimensional. Every adult comes off poorly (except, of course, Dewey) with every parent self-absorbed, every educator an idiot and every child a prodigy. The kids are talented musicians—yes, they play their own instruments—but when it comes to acting, not so much.  Maybe that’s a lot to ask of a group of pre-teens.

The best parts of the show, beyond the kids’ musical performances, are drawn straight from Mike White’s film script. There are laughs, but kids deserve a better School than this.

 

‘School of Rock’ runs Tuesday–Sunday through July 22 at the SHN Orpheum Theatre, 1192 Market St., San Francisco. Show times vary. $40–$256. 888.746.1799. shnsf.com.

 

 

 

Days of Malaise

We’re halfway into the first year of recreational cannabis sales and taxation under Proposition 64. So how goes it for the rank-and-file growers and manufacturers who were coaxed into support for Proposition 64? Not so good.

That’s the assessment of the California Growers Association’s “Mid-Year Outlook, 2018,” a report on the state of the industry thus far.

“From disappointing [first quarter] tax revenue, to disappointing license numbers, the market is inundated with a general sense of malaise,” writes CGA executive director Hezekiah Allen. “What was once a dynamic and diverse marketplace is now stagnant, with significant barriers disrupting commerce and communities.”

Most discouraging, Allen says that legalization has not happened yet for most of the state because city and county governments are still working to implement permitting ordinances. Many have no plans for cannabis sales.

“The general outlook for the California market is likely to be depressed until things change at the local level,” he says.

The new report warns that the costly transition from temporary to annual licenses “may change the landscape” as businesses without sufficient means fade away. License fees range from $1,200 for small growers to $77,000 for the largest cultivation license, and $4,000 to $120,000 for retail operations.

The new report also points to an oversupply “ticking time bomb” created by large-scale growers who have ramped up production ahead of retail outlets.

“There are a handful of businesses, some rookie and some veteran, seeking to bring some of the state’s largest harvests ever to market,” says the report. “Fortunes may be earned and most certainly will be lost.”

On the plus side, the report is bullish on the first legal light-deprivation crops about to hit
the market later this month, followed by sun-grown cannabis by year’s end.

“These harvests are marked by some of the richest and most delicate entourages of flavors, aromas and cannabinoids.”

Meanwhile, in what may be a case of the cart before the horse, Sen. Mike McGuire and Assemblyman Jim Wood announced last week that the North Coast Regional Office of the Bureau of Cannabis Control is open in Eureka.

The office will save North Coast growers and retailers a trip to Sacramento to pay their taxes—cold comfort for the many growers struggling to pay their taxes and stay afloat.

 

All Smiles

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Guitarist and singer Nick Petty understands the positive impact that music can make on people. Music is one of the ways he pulled himself together after a troubled youth that included depression, addiction and brief incarceration—and music is what he has dedicated himself to sharing with his friends and fans as the frontman of Novato-based surf-punk band the Happys.

“I want to be in a band that’s making an impact,” Petty says. “I strive to entertain people and let people know it’s OK to be weird, it’s OK to be different.”

The 26-year-old Petty first formed the Happys in 2012. Over the years, the band’s membership has moved around, though the lineup solidified in early 2018 with lead guitarist Alex Sanchez, bassist Brett Brazil and drummer Ryan Donahue.

Musically, the group draws from ’90s upbeat punk-pop bands like Blink 182 and Sublime, while also delving into heavier territory akin to Nirvana and Tool. Petty also lists influences ranging from Frank Sinatra to Tupac Shakur. That spectrum is represented on the band’s new EP, Bipolar, which came out last month and is available online.

Petty doesn’t shy away from talking about mental health on the new EP, which features four songs that open up a dialogue many people still have trouble engaging in.

Opening track “Birdy” is about living with depression, while track two, “Cut the Rope,” examines elements in people’s lives that hold them back emotionally. Petty describes the third title track as a love letter to mental health, and the EP’s closer, “Manic,” is about being, well, manic. Despite the subject matter, the tempo on the EP stays pulsing, and the guitars occasionally shred with hints of heavy metal flair in their surf-punk rhythms.

“Every day I deal with some serious emotional stuff,” says Petty.

Currently, the Happys are working with artist management guru Rick Bonde—whose résumé includes both Blink 182 and Sublime—at Tahoe Artists Agency, and the band is recording a follow-up full-length album. This month, the Happys take the show on the road with a tour covering Southern California between July 11 and 15.

“As a band, we want to look out for people,” Petty says. “We want to show them love and make them feel that they’re not alone.”

The Happys play Tuesday, July 17, at the Milk Bar in San Francisco. For details and to stream ‘Bipolar,’ visit facebook.com/thehappysband.

Letters to the Editor

Grocery Grumbles

Nikki Silverstein’s “Heroes & Zeroes” (July 4) on Whole Foods’ new approach to small and local vendors prompts me to put in an enthusiastic word for our own locally owned store: Mill Valley Market. The market carries a lot of local products, and the Canepa brothers are always interested in learning about others. Buy local!

Tom Conneely

Mill Valley

OK, call me a curmudgeon, but Whole Foods never was a good store. They bought up Jerry’s Meats’ little quonset hut on Miller and messed up the entire traffic pattern and drove five locally owned natural food stores out of business. Then after a few months, they literally doubled their prices and took the profits back to Texas. I have my own permanent lifetime boycott of Whole Foods. I’ll never shop there, so those who do, deserve what they get. Call me a zero if you wish, but it won’t hurt a bit.

By the way, I miss Long’s Drugs, too—another California chain gobbled up by corporate greed. CVS is not as good. Safeway looks better and better.

Lou

Via PacificSun.com

Hero and Zero

Hero

It really works. Writing a letter, sending an email or attending a public hearing to express your opinion has an impact. Case in point: Bus route 92, which provides service between Sausalito and San Francisco, was in jeopardy of elimination due to poor ridership. After dozens of people protested the proposal to nix the route, the Golden Gate Bridge, Highway and Transportation District reconsidered its plan. Public outcry saved the bus service! In fact, the district is going one step further by implementing a robust marketing campaign for route 92 to increase ridership and ensure the commuter service continues. Kudos to the folks that took the time to give their input, and to the district for listening. Let’s remember this local victory and that activism makes a difference. Trump’s choice for the Supreme Court vacancy, Brett Kavanaugh, is sure to produce a huge wave of public outcry to save Roe v. Wade, gay rights and more. Make your voice heard. Write letters, volunteer, call your reps, knock on doors and register voters.

Zero

“Damn this traffic jam. How I hate to be late. Hurts my motor to go so slow.” Oh, James, we feel your pain every morning as we slog south on 101 trying to get to work in the city. Adding insult to injury, we watch carpool lane cheaters clip along in the left lane, leaving us far behind. Gives us law abiders some time to wonder about the motives of those passenger-less scofflaws. Maybe that solo woman behind the wheel of her Range Rover in the carpool lane is texting because she’s gone into labor and wants her husband to meet her at the hospital? Well, we slow lane drivers were treated to a different, and dare we say gleeful, sight last Thursday. The CHP in Marin sent out its specially marked patrol vehicle, aka “the Polar Bear,” to catch carpool violators. The most common excuse was, of course, late for work. Ironically, on enforcement day, the offenders were even later.

Got a Hero or a Zero? Please send submissions to ni***************@ya***.com. Toss roses, hurl stones with more Heroes and Zeroes at pacificsun.com.

Santa Fe in Focus

Shining a contemporary light on a part of the country best known for cowboy films, Wells Fargo commercials and a popular chicken sandwich at Carl’s Jr., the Lark Theater will be hosting a day-long celebration of the film, food and art of Santa Fe, N.M.

“There are so many brilliant artists living and working in Santa Fe and throughout the state,” says filmmaker Mark Gordon, director of the feature-length documentary Awakening in Taos: The Mabel Dodge Luhan Story, “that when I started talking with Ellie Mednick, executive director of the Lark Theater, about screening my film, the idea quickly expanded to a whole day of programming with films made by Santa Fe filmmakers, or shot in and around Santa Fe.”

The event, taking place Saturday, July 14, will include two screenings of Awakening in Taos (at 1pm and 7pm); a block of shorts about influential artists and writers who made New Mexico their home (2:30pm), including Georgia O’Keeffe (Memories of Miss O’Keeffe and A Woman on Paper) and Pulitzer-winning poet and author N. Scott Momaday (Return to Rainy Mountain); the award-winning documentary Grab a Hunk of Lightning, about Depression-era photographer Dorothea Lange (4pm); and a screening of Jeff Bridges’ Oscar-winning feature film Crazy Heart (8:30pm), much of which was shot in the bars and on the streets of Santa Fe.

According to Gordon, who will be in attendance to introduce and discuss his film at both of its screenings, Awakening in Taos began as a way to call attention to the artists of New Mexico, and quickly became a 10-year-long cinematic obsession to tell the story of Mabel Dodge Luhan.

“I had relocated to Santa Fe, and soon became really interested in this time period in Taos, from 1910 to 1920, when a lot of East Coast artists moved to Taos,” Gordon says. “They had a lot of style and did a lot of very interesting work, and became known as the Taos Society of Artists. I was talking to a docent in a Taos museum, and I mentioned that I was interested in making a film about the Taos Society of Artists, and he said, “You know, they’ve already made movies about that. What about Mabel Dodge Luhan?’ I said, ‘Who’s Mabel Dodge Luhan?’ and he replied, ‘Well, I don’t care for her writing. She’s kind of a chatty feminist. But you might like her.’”

The docent suggested Luhan’s memoir Edge of Taos Desert: An Escape to Reality. Once Gordon read the book, he knew he’d found the subject of his film.

“I immediately fell in love with Mabel’s life story,” he says. “She was this wealthy New York woman who became connected with all of these famous movers and shakers of the 20th century.”

A lifelong patron of the arts, Luhan had spent time in Greenwich Village, Santa Barbara and Paris, where she became acquainted with Gertrude Stein, Pablo Picasso and others. Over the course of her life, Luhan had many lovers, both men and women. Once in Taos, she fell in love and eventually married a Native American, Tony Luhan, and soon became a champion of Native American rights.

“She was a 21st-century woman coming out of a period that was still steeped in the 19th century,” says Gordon. “I knew her story would make a great movie. And I knew I needed to do a little more research. I just didn’t know it would take me 10 years. But they’ve been the best 10 years of my life.”

Cinema Santa Fe, Saturday, July 14, 1–10:30pm, at the Lark Theater, 549 Magnolia Ave., Larkspur. larktheater.net.

Standing Up for Girls

Since #MeToo burst onto the stage this past fall, sexual violence against women has finally achieved the public recognition long overdue a crippling problem, one that has plagued women and girls for decades—maybe centuries. And it’s not going away.

But perpetrators are beginning to be held accountable. In May, Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein turned himself into police in New York for sex crimes. Bill Cosby, similarly accused of molesting dozens of women, faces 30 years in prison after his conviction. Still, the National Crime Victimization Survey shows that 99 percent of perpetrators walk free.

“The more high-profile these situations are, the more people will have to open their eyes and ask why this is happening,” says Yesenia Gorbea of Futures Without Violence in San Francisco. “Survivors are able to step forward because they feel they can be heard. It’s a cultural shift we’re seeing. Finally, issues are being talked about, informed by the survivors themselves.”

“#MeToo is fantastic, a huge breakthrough,” says Jan Blalock, chair of the Sonoma County Commission on the Status of Women. “It does bring to light what has been going on. But are people safer? No, but it’s safer to talk about things.

“We’re in a very dangerous time,” Blalock continues, “with the internet and easy access to pornography—especially for boys who think this is normal or what girls want. You can order a child to have sex with as easily as ordering a pizza.” But even more dangerous are the trafficking networks that use social media to trap young girls into forced sex work.

Sexual abuse is about power, says Caitlin Quinn, communications coordinator at Verity (formerly Women Against Rape), a social service nonprofit in Santa Rosa. “Abusers prey upon people that they perceive as weak in some form or another, with more marginalized identities or with disabilities,” Quinn says. According to a yearlong study by National Public Radio, people with mental or physical disabilities are five to six times more likely to be abused. “It’s an epidemic no one talks about.”

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in four girls will experience sexual violence before the age of 18. If it’s about power, will empowering girls help keep them safe?

G3: Gather, Grow and Go is a Sonoma-based nonprofit for women that “creates experiences to help you leverage your best.” It offers programs for teen girls, and recently has developed programs for mothers with their daughters. The group holds daylong and weekend workshops aimed at “empowering girls to leave with a heightened awareness of who they are and who they want to become,” says co-founder Michelle Dale.

But Dale is clear that G3’s programs, which pre-date #MeToo, have not been adapted in response to that movement.

Dale is a bright, beaming single mother of two teen girls. She says the workshops take a holistic approach “to reignite the magic inside us that sometimes grows dim,” and encourage wellness to support self-confidence, as well as recognizing “the power of no.”

“We believe the work changes how people look at themselves,” she says.

Workshops for teens are designed to address the many challenges girls face. “First and foremost is technology and social media,” says Dale. “It makes girls feel left out, not good enough. Everyone else is doing everything they want to be doing. . . . It also limits your basic face-to-face social skills.”

And it also exposes them to the creeping tentacles of traffickers.

Dale favors limiting a child’s time on social media, and not only for girls. Perhaps most damaging is “the epidemic of young boys thinking it’s OK to play video games eight hours a day, winning the game by killing each other.” What about their social skills, their ability to feel empathy, she asks.

G3 workshops provide “opportunities for girls to feel empowered to stand up and give voice to what they will accept or not.” But they do not address the issue of sexual assault directly. “We build voice and confidence and sisterhood, and those things work to allow women and girls the courage and support to live strong, live brave and speak their truth and help others to do the same,” Dale writes in an email.

Bringing mothers and daughters together for quality time is key. “It allows everybody to slow down to find the connection that brings them closer together.

“Your relationship with your mother is very important, maybe the most important one you have.”

Quinn seconds that. “Mothers need to do everything they can to talk to their daughters. Sometimes that means being vulnerable. A lot of mothers don’t want to share what violence has happened to them, but that can help a daughter understand her point of view. Lots of women are still blaming themselves for what happened to them.”

But for Dmitra Smith, vice chair of the Sonoma County Commission on Human Rights, it’s not possible to look at this issue without considering intersectionality, the interplay of race, class and gender.

“What if Mom is a single mom working several jobs to make ends meet? She may not have time to talk to her daughter,” Smith says.

“If you look at the #MeToo movement, that term was coined over 10 years ago by Tarana Burke, a black woman who was largely ignored. For me, as a woman of color, it’s great that so many women are finding their voice, but there’s a sense of frustration at how it took a segment of mostly white women who are affluent to talk about it for it to be receiving the attention that it deserves.”

Reports vary, but generally white women and Latinas experience more assault than black women, while Native American women endure the most abuse; and assault by a white man is the most common.

“I’m still reminded that women of color, indigenous, undocumented and poor women are systematically sexually and physically abused by law enforcement and incarceration systems who then evaluate themselves and find nothing wrong with their actions,” said Smith.

 

Worsening the problem for all women, social media has made the world more dangerous than ever, especially for young women, and it is one of the hardest to combat. “As soon as the police or our advocates have figured out one new lure or app,” says Quinn, “these guys come up with another one.”

One example is Snapchat, “an app that teens love to use,” Quinn says. Users can have their location “turned on,” allowing friends and contacts to see where they are. Kids need to know that setting it “public” is risking trouble, Quinn says.

Social media has enabled traffickers to make easy contact with vulnerable girls. And once they target a young girl—promising her a fabulous career as a model—it may be hard for her to resist.

Even harder is for a girl once trafficked to get out. Tiburon’s Shynie Lu, a recent graduate of Sonoma Academy, made a video as a project for the Sonoma County Junior Commission on Human Rights, called Strong Survival. In it, she interviews Maya Babow, who managed to escape from her traffickers after six years.

“People ask, why didn’t she leave sooner?” says Lu, “But when you hear her talk about the threats they made, how they would hurt her family, and about withholding food and water from her, she made it clear why she wasn’t able to walk out.” Now an ambassador for Shared Hope International in Marin, Lu helps inform high school students about the danger.

So once #MeToo drops off the radar, will perpetrators again find refuge in the surrounding silence?

Rates of sexual violence are declining, and continued outcry will certainly help, but empowering girls may not be enough to create the kind of change women rightfully demand. “I was a highly empowered teen,” says Blalock, “an athlete, but I was raped.”

Maybe change has to happen on the other end of the spectrum. As Babow says in the film, “We need to stop the demand. If you can stop the demand, there is no need for supply.”

Futures Without Violence has started a nationwide program called Coaching Boys into Men, in which male athletic coaches are trained to lead workshops for their teams to deliver the message that is is manly to respect girls. But there do not seem to be many such programs currently in place in local schools.

“The onus is on society to see girls and women as equal, intelligent beings worthy of respect rather than objectifying them,” said Blalock.

Instead of teaching girls not to get raped, we can teach boys not to rape—soon.

 

 

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