When I put out the call for bad neighbor stories, I expected a few responses. Instead, my inbox overfloweth.
My hope for an article with exclusively lighthearted fare, like tales about the guy next door who never returns tools, quickly evaporated. It turns out that Marin is chock full of inconsiderate, clueless folks and has more than its fair share of downright nutters. I have enough material to run a monthly bad neighbor column, so buckle up.
Although a couple of the experiences might elicit a grin or guffaw, some people shared disturbing and even scary neighbor stories. It runs the gamut—from a multi-level marketing scheme to extreme noise and restraining orders.
All the names in the following narratives were changed and have absolutely no significance, except that I chose them from songs I used to play on my big sister’s 45 RPM portable record player. To further protect the innocent, as well as the guilty, I don’t identify towns or cities, but these incidents happened in well-heeled Marin.
Drinking Dish Soap
Maggie May and Tom rented a house in a cute neighborhood. Their too-friendly landlord, Louie, lived across the street. He had “just gotten into Amway,” and had big plans for his young tenants.
“Tom, do you want to have all the money in the world that you could ever want?” Louie asked. “Maggie, do you want to be able to buy all the gear you would ever need?
They explained that they weren’t into Amway, nor were they salespeople. Still, Louie came back again and again, enthusiastically pushing his goods and encouraging Tom and Maggie to join his multi-level marketing scheme. The man had no boundaries.
“The dish soap is so natural you can drink it,” he repeatedly said.
Tom and Maggie always responded by asking Louie to drink it. Not surprisingly, he never did.
“One day, we were in our living room and Tom was having back trouble,” Maggie said. “So, I’m on top of him while he’s face down, massaging his back. All of a sudden, Louie is in our backyard, smashing his face against the window and waving at us while I’m straddling Tom. I let him in and he starts with the whole spiel again.”
Although the couple found it hard to say no because he was their landlord, they held tough and moved out within the year. To this day, neither has bought or sold an Amway product.
Moon and Shlong
Sweet Melissa enjoyed a peaceful existence with a lovely upstairs neighbor for twenty years. When the neighbor relocated, two men in their 20s moved in—one nice and the other surly. During the wee hours, these young night owls participated in activities that sounded like furniture throwing and stomp dancing.
After a few weeks, Melissa approached the couple and asked whether they could wind down by midnight. Her polite request went unheeded.
The next night, awakened again by their antics at 2 am, Melissa went upstairs and knocked on the door. The surly one appeared at the full-length window beside the front door dressed only in tidy whities. He quickly turned around, pulled down his briefs and mooned her.
As she walked away, he knocked on the window. Melissa looked back. This time, he faced her, underpants around his ankles. He gyrated his hips, causing his junk to swing from side to side.
“I felt more traumatized by the noise than seeing his tiny penis,” Melissa said. “I’ve seen a lot of those in my lifetime.”
Sleepless nights continued for the next year, until the couple moved out. Melissa now has sweet dreams again.
‘Worthless Moron’
Sara tortured her downstairs neighbors, Michelle and Ben, for almost 10 years. Prior to the crazy decade, the two households were friendly. Until they weren’t.
The couple knew trouble was a-brewing when Sara increased her alcohol use—she was often sloshed by mid-morning. But neighborly relations completely deteriorated when Michelle and Ben were in bed one night with the lights out, and Sara rang their doorbell between 10 to 20 times in quick succession. The sleeping couple awakened, as did their two tiny dogs, who began a barking frenzy.
“By the time I opened the door, Sara was halfway up the stairs to her unit,” Ben said. “I asked her if she rang the doorbell and she responded in a slurred voice, ‘Yes. That barking is very annoying.’”
Ben began keeping a log of Sara’s erratic behavior. Every time she walked by the couple’s front door, which she had to do to get to the stairs, she knocked on the couple’s door or rapped her keys against the window, causing the dogs to bark. Sara reported the noisy pups to the property manager.
The situation escalated. Sara kept the couple up at night by blaring the TV at full volume and clomping on the hardwood floor. When Ben went outside to let one of his dogs urinate, Sara stood on her balcony and intentionally dropped a metal broom, missing the pup by mere inches.
The next day, Ben told her they were concerned about the incident. “You have no idea what I’m capable of,” Sara replied.
Halloween decorations in front of the couple’s home, including a Dracula mask, were defaced. They found a note in Sara’s handwriting under the doormat: “Ugly masks done by a worthless moron.” More charming messages appeared on Ben’s car, usually calling him a “masturbating pervert.”
They installed a video camera, capturing Sara striking the door and window. Sometimes she’d look directly at the camera, raise her two middle fingers in the air, curtsy and skip away.
After five years of almost daily abuse that left the couple frightened and constantly on edge, Ben visited the police station with his log and videos. The officer told him to file for a restraining order immediately. Sara went to court to try to fight it, but the judge issued a two-year stay away order.
The day it expired, Sara started the harassment again. Another restraining order calmed the situation somewhat. Finally, she moved. Yet her victims still feel the impact of the ten-year saga.
“My well of compassion runs pretty deep, but it was dry by the end,” Ben said. “She made me a less good person.”
Send your Marin bad neighbor stories to ni***************@ya***.com. She’ll protect the identities of all parties.
