Q: I’m a single man in my 30s, and I don’t want a relationship right now. I keep meeting women online who say they only want something casual. Then, on the first or second date, it becomes obvious they want a relationship, not just fun and sex. What’s with the bait and switch?—Annoyed

A: Women who bait and switch like this reflect what evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt call men’s and women’s conflicting “sexual strategies.” These are best summed up as “happily ever after” for women versus “hookupily ever after” for men.

These differences in sexual strategy trace to differences in “obligatory parental investment.” This refers to how a man can bolt after sex, while a woman can get pregnant and stuck with a kid.

Accordingly, Buss and Schmitt explain that women typically benefit most from a “long-term sexual strategy,” vetting men to see if they’ll stick around to invest in any children that might come out of sex. Men, however, benefit most (that is, leave more descendants carrying their genes) from a “short-term sexual strategy”—having casual sex with a variety of hot-erellas.

This doesn’t mean men never want to commit or women never want to hook up. But because men and women coevolved, they are at least subconsciously aware of each other’s intentions and shade the truth to put themselves in the most “marketable” light. So, men often act more interested in commitment than they actually are (in hopes of getting sex) and women often act less interested, in hopes of ensnaring Harry Hookup and turning him into Harry the Husband.

It probably makes sense to err on the side of assuming a woman will want commitment, whether she knows or articulates that or not. My advice for first and second dates: Meet for happy hour drinks or coffee for an hour or two, max. You still might get women who said they just want casual fun going gooey on you at the end of date two. At least you won’t have shelled out for filet mignon and fine wine only to hear the no-strings-attached sex version of “First 100 callers get a free TV!” … “Oh, sorry, sir … you’re caller 101.”

Q: My girlfriends are all writing out their visions for a partner, as if they’ve met him already (“Thank you, universe, for bringing me this man … ”). They claim they’ve gotten boyfriends because of it. Is this just New Age crap, or is there something to writing down what you want?—Boyfriend-Seeking

A: This apparently is a thing, women writing a letter about the man of their dreams and then feeling like they ordered online from the universe: “My man’s on his way. Just waiting for the tracking number!”

Once they get a boyfriend, the belief that their letter writing made it happen comes out of a common cognitive bias called the “illusion of control.” This term, coined by psychologist Ellen Langer, describes people’s tendency to believe they have control over outcomes that they obviously do not. An example of this is gamblers blowing on dice.

Ironically, the fact that it’s irrational to do this doesn’t mean it’s unhelpful. Research by psychologists Michael I. Norton and Francesca Gino finds that a ritual, a “symbolic activity” a person performs in hopes of making something happen, tends to increase their “feelings of control” over situations in which outcomes are uncertain. This, in turn, decreases the stress they feel.

In other words, it’s possible that the ceremonial act of writing a “Dear Santa” letter to the universe makes a woman more appealing to men by calming her down and getting her to act less crazy and desperate. It’s like putting in an order at a restaurant. You have faith your dinner is coming; you don’t stalk the waiter on Instagram and text him 30 times, alternating pictures of your boobs with plaintive questions and abuse: “Is the chef okay? … Are you on a smoke break? … I bet you gave my steak to a prettier girl. … You’re a terrible waiter. … I hate you.”

If you live in Mill Valley, there’s a good chance your neighbor is an artist. In fact, the town is teeming with creative people, and for over 30 years, the Mill Valley Arts Commission has shone a spotlight on these people.The annual Milley Awards, presented on Sunday, Oct. 20, at the Mill Valley Community Center, honor five individuals in various artistic disciplines who’ve made Mill Valley a better place to live.

Members of the community nominate, and a panel of judges selected, this year’s recipients—all of whom are associated with the arts scene in Mill Valley.

First up, the Literary Arts category winner is author and educator Karen Benke, who is the author of a poetry collection and four creative writing adventure books for the young and young-at-heart to explore and expand their imaginations. Benke is also a frequent collaborator with statewide nonprofit organization California Poet in the Schools, which leads classroom workshops that aim to empower students with creative writing and performing. Locally, Benke leads writing workshops at the Writer’s Nest in the renovated Mill Valley Lumber Yard. Benke’s work has also gone international, with her books translated into Chinese, Russian, Korean and soon Italian.

In the category of visual arts and design, the Milley Award goes to Robert Holmes, the famed photographer who’s made his home in Mill Valley for 40 years. The British-born Holmes began his career covering the 1975 British Everest Expedition for the London Daily Mail. The following year, he received an invitation from Ansel Adams to visit California. He ended up settling in Mill Valley in 1979. His work as a travel photographer is world-renowned, with publications from National Geographic to Life having published his work. His own, award-winning photography books include travel, food and wine photography.

Longtime Mill Valley resident and Academy Award–winner Phil Pastuhov is this year’s Milley Award recipient for Performing and Film Arts. Pastuhov is a director of aerial photography who specializes in drone-powered camera work. He’s worked on over 120 films and just as many commercials during his life. Any time the camera flies over a car in The Fast & the Furious or scans a mountainside in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, that’s Pastuhov shooting the scene with a drone. When he’s not making movies, Pastuhov leads small drone-flying workshops at locales like the Utah plains and Norway’s islands.

Singer-songwriter Lorin Rowan, this year’s recipient of the Milley Award for Musical Arts, is one of Mill Valley’s most recognizable figures, and one of the town’s most prolific artists. His time in Mill Valley dates back to the early ‘70s, when he and brother Chris played music with the likes of David Grisman and Jerry Garcia before they signed to Columbia Records as the Rowans and began releasing country-rock albums. In the ‘80s, Rowan turned his attention to the burgeoning ska/reggae scene with his band the Edge, and for the last 30 years he’s released music under his own name and with projects like Deep Blue Jam, a fusion of bluegrass, rock and funk. He also plays with Rattlebox and continues to collaborate with Chris in the Rowan Brothers.

Locally, Rowan is a beloved presence at many benefits and fundraisers, appearing at the annual Wine, Women & Song breast cancer benefit and Blue Star Music Camp events.

Last but not least, the Milleys are honoring Bob Burton and his wife, the late Elza Burton, in the category of Contributions to the Arts Community. Best known as a founding member of the Mill Valley Center for the Performing Arts (now Marin Theatre Company), Elza served on its initial Board of Directors. Bob’s contributions include supporting many artistic endeavors—including helping approve plans for the original Sweetwater venue back in the ‘70s—during his time working on the Mill Valley Planning Commission and City Council, which included two years as Mayor. Together, the Burtons were patrons and supporters of the Marin Symphony, the Mill Valley Chamber Music Society and many other organizations, and their contributions to Mill Valley span over half a century.

For its part, the 2019 Milley Awards has contributed to the arts scene for 31 years now. Mill Valley Arts Commissioner Abby Wasserman originally founded it as the Mill Valley Awards for Creative Achievement in 1988. For the first several years, it only honored one recipient each year, beginning with Ann O’Hanlon, founder of Sight & Insight Art Center (now the O’Hanlon Center for the Arts).

The awards expanded in 1994 to accommodate the multidisciplinary artists living and working in Mill Valley, and became known as “The Milley.”

To date, over 150 individuals have been given a Milley, and this year’s lineup of recipients is another fine example of the overflowing creative energy that gives Mill Valley its artistic spirit.

The Milley Awards Ceremony and dinner takes place on Sunday, Oct. 20, at the Mill Valley Community Center, 180 Camino Alto, Mill Valley. 5:30pm. $75. milleyawards.org.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “We can’t change anything until we get some fresh ideas, until we begin to see things differently,” wrote Aries psychologist James Hillman. I agree. And that’s very good news for you Aries people. In my view, you are more attracted to and excited by fresh ideas than any other sign of the zodiac. That’s why you have the potential to become master initiators of transformation. One of my favorite types of plot twists in your life story occurs when you seek out fresh ideas and initiate transformations not only in your own behalf, but also for those you care about. I bet the coming weeks will bring at least one of those plot twists.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Metaphorically speaking, Taurus, you are now crossing a bridge. Behind you is the intriguing past; in front of you, the even more-intriguing future. You can still decide to return to where you came from. Or else you can pick up your pace, and race ahead at twice the speed. You might even make the choice to linger on the bridge for a while; to survey the vast vistas that are visible and contemplate more leisurely the transition you’re making. Only you know what’s best for you, of course. But if you asked me, I’d be in favor of lingering on the bridge for a while.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): As I write this, I’m sitting in a café near two women at another table. One sports a gold, cashmere headscarf and pentagram necklace. The other wears a dark blue pantsuit and a silver broach that’s the glyph for Gemini the Twins. HeadScarf shuffles a deck of Tarot cards and asks PantSuit what she’d like to find out during the divination she is about to receive. “I would very much like you to tell me what I really, really want,” PantSuit says with a chuckle. “I’m sure that once I find out that big secret, I’ll be able to accomplish wonders.” I hope the rest of you Geminis will be on a similar mission in the coming weeks. Do whatever it takes to get very clear about what you want most.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Ancient Greek philosopher Socrates was meandering through an Athenian marketplace, gazing at the appealing and expensive items for sale. “How many things there are in this world that I do not want,” he exclaimed with satisfaction. I recommend you cultivate that liberated attitude. Now is a perfect time to celebrate the fact that there are countless treasures and pleasures you don’t need in order to be charmed and cheerful about your life. For extra credit, add this nuance from Henry David Thoreau: People are rich in proportion to the number of things they can afford to let alone.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I invite you to try this exercise. Imagine that one springtime you grow a garden filled with flowers that rabbits like to nibble: petunias, marigolds, gazanias and pansies. This place has the sole purpose of giving gifts to a wild, sweet part of nature. It’s blithely impractical. You do it for your own senseless, secret joy. It appeals to the dreamy lover of life in you. Got all that, Leo? Now, in accordance with current astrological omens, I suggest you actually try to fulfill a fantasy comparable to that one in the coming weeks.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): My Virgo friend Lola got a text message from her Scorpio buddy Tanya. “Why don’t you come over and chill with me and my demons? It’ll be entertaining, I promise! My inner jerks are howlingly funny tonight.” Here’s what Lola texted back: “Thanks but no thanks, sweetie. I’ve been making big breakthroughs with my own demons—giving them the attention they crave without caving in to their outrageous demands—and for now I need to work on stabilizing our new relationship. I can’t risk bringing extra demons into the mix.” I suspect this is an accurate description of what could be happening for you, Virgo.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In ancient holy texts from India, soma was said to be a drink that enhanced awareness and alertness. According to modern scholars, it may have been a blend of poppy, ephedra and cannabis. In Norse mythology, the beverage called the Mead of Suttungr conferred poetic inspiration and the ability to solve any riddle. One of its ingredients was honey. In Slavic folklore, raskovnik is an herb with the magic power to unlock what’s locked and uncover hidden treasures. It’s not a four-leaf clover, but resembles it. I invite you Libras to fantasize about using these three marvels. To do so will potentize your imagination, thereby boosting the cosmic forces that will be working in your favor to enhance your awareness, confer inspiration, solve riddles, unlock what’s locked and find hidden treasures.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Inventor Buckminster Fuller (1895–1983) was a visionary genius in numerous fields, including architecture, design, engineering and futurism. In the course of earning 40 honorary doctorates, he traveled widely. It was his custom to wear three watches, each set to a different time: one to the zone where he currently was, another to where he had recently departed and a third to where he would journey next. “I know that I am not a category,” he wrote. “I am not a thing—a noun. I seem to be a verb.” I recommend his approach to you in the coming weeks, Scorpio. Be a verb! Allow your identity to be fluid, your plans adjustable, your ideas subject to constant revision.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Art is good for my soul precisely because it reminds me that we have souls in the first place,” said actress Tilda Swinton. How about you, Sagittarius? What reminds you that you have a soul in the first place? Beloved animals? Favorite music? A stroll amidst natural wonders? Unpredictable, fascinating sexual experiences? The vivid and mysterious dreams you have at night? Whatever stimuli bring you into visceral communion with your soul, I urge you to seek them out in abundance. It’s Soul-Cherishing and Soul-Enhancing Time for you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The coming weeks will be a favorable time to arrange a series of high-level meetings between your body, mind and soul. You might even consider staging an extravagant conference-like festival and festival-like conference. The astrological omens suggest that your body, mind and soul are now primed to reveal choice secrets and tips to each other. They are all more willing and eager than usual to come up with productive new synergies that will enable each to function with more panache and effectiveness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “I believe in inhabiting contradictions,” writes Aquarian author and activist Angela Davis. “I believe in making contradictions productive, not in having to choose one side or the other side. As opposed to choosing either or choosing both.” I think Davis’s approach will work well for you in the coming weeks. It’s not just that the contradictions will be tolerable; they will be downright fertile, generous and beneficent. So welcome them; honor them; allow them to bless you with their tricky opportunities and unexpected solutions.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Piscean pianist Frédéric Chopin (1801–1849) was a poetic genius whose music was full of sweetness and grace. “Without equal in his generation,” said more than one critic. Today, more than 170 years after his death, his work remains popular. Recently an Italian sound designer named Remo de Vico created an original new Chopin piece that featured all 21 of the master’s piano nocturnes being played simultaneously. (You can hear it here: tinyurl.com/NewChopin.) As you might imagine, it’s a gorgeous mess, too crammed with notes to truly be enjoyable, but interesting nevertheless. I’ll counsel you to avoid a similar fate in the coming weeks, Pisces. It’s fine to be extravagant and expansive and mulitfaceted; just don’t overdo it.