Q: A friend’s mom died. Out of nowhere, he told me his mom never liked me very much. Frankly, the feeling was mutual, but I of course never said anything. I’m bothered he told me this. How should I let him know?—Irritated

A: When somebody talks trash about you, it’s natural to want to respond. Unfortunately, sending this woman a “we need to talk” text will require a mediator with a Ouija board.

It does seem rotten that your friend suddenly let his mom’s opinions of you off-leash. However, consider that keeping a secret is mentally and physically stressful. Research finds that in secret-keeping, holding back information causes psychological tension, which brings on physical tension.

Research on secrecy by psychologist Michael Slepian suggests that it isn’t concealing information but having a goal of concealing information that stresses us out. Unlike many other goals, the goal to keep a secret has no endpoint. This turns keeping a secret into a goal that won’t die—or, in researcher terms, “an outstanding intention.” This makes it more accessible in memory—to the point where the mind tends to wander to it. And this mental reflux has some psychological costs: “The frequency of mind-wandering to secrets predicts lower well-being,” explains the Slepian team. “Thus, what seems to be harmful about secrecy is not having to conceal a secret but having to live with it and having it return to one’s thoughts.”

Other research finds that stress and “aversive” emotions like sadness diminish our ability for self-control. So, your friend, under the emotional stress of grieving his mom, maybe lacked the energy he normally had to keep his mom’s feelings stowed. If this guy generally isn’t unkind or insensitive, you might want to let this go—especially considering the advantage you have over a lady who’s now living on somebody’s mantel: “I will come find you and reduce you to ash! Oh. Wait.”

Q: I’m a 32-year-old woman, dating again after a five-year relationship. I’ve got some issues I’m working on. (I can get a little needy.) I’m getting all kinds of advice, from “be you!” to “play hard to get!” I guess acting unavailable works, but shouldn’t somebody like me for me, not because I’m out of reach?—Sincere

A: At fancy supermarkets, they try to sell you smoked salmon with a tiny sample on a cracker; they don’t slap you across the face with a giant fish: “LOVE MEEEEEE!”

In dating, there’s being a bit scarce, and there’s being somebody else. Scarce is good when you’re getting to know a person, leaving them wanting more as opposed to less. Somebody else? Not so good.

What does it mean to “be yourself”? It means being “authentic.” Clinical psychologist Lawrence Josephs and his colleagues explain romantic “authenticity” as a willingness to risk being emotionally vulnerable and a companion unwillingness to “act deceitfully” even when being honest comes with some costs. They find that being authentic in these ways leads to “better relational outcomes.”

If you aren’t yourself, somebody might be attracted to your fake front and then be bummed out when it eventually falls off. Additionally, the researchers’ findings “suggest that individuals engaging in ‘being yourself’ dating behavior are generally preferred as dating partners over more game-playing individuals.” In fact, men who are authentic seem to have a “special antipathy” toward “more game-playing” women.

But let’s say you’re “a little needy.” You can tell somebody you tend to be needy. That’s brave and may lead somebody to admire your honesty. You might also tell a potential partner that you’re working on it, which emotionally healthy partners are likely to respect and admire. The important thing is doing what it takes to not act all needypants, like by using diversionary tactics—say, by repeatedly texting your BFF when you’re dying to text some new guy. Her phone goes off in a meeting. Her boss: “Why does some woman keep sending you pix of her boobs?”

MARIN GIFT GUIDE: Last November, the Google Calendar app greeted users with a new day of celebration: Black Friday. The holiday in question appeared courtesy of the app’s setting for “Holidays in the United States” on Nov. 29. It hailed the annual retail bonanza sure to come as well as the implicit suggestion, that in this moment of late capitalism, Thanksgiving is pretty much “Black Friday Eve.” 

Local retail renaissance thinks outside the big box

The retail season is upon us, but that doesn’t mean you have to feed the gaping maw of big box stores and monopolistic online retailers. When you think outside the big box and support local retailers—and better yet, purveyors of locally-made products—you’re doing wonders for your community and its economy. 

According to an infographic released by GO LOCAL Cooperative, which “works to grow the market share of locally-owned businesses,” when you spend $100 at a locally-owned business, $48 remains in the local economy. Compared to the $13 from big box stores that stay or the whopping zero for non-local online retailers, the advantage of keeping money in the neighborhood, so to speak, is what’s called the local economic multiplier effect. The more dollars retained in a community and re-spent within the local economy results in income growth for local people, increased pay, and more tax revenues returned to local governments—ultimately providing for better standards of living for those in the community.

Among those raising the retail standards of the community is San Anselmo’s neve & hawk, a downtown ethical, locally-made clothing store curated by Kris Galmarini for the past three years. The many offerings at neve & hawk include Galmarini’s own local-clothing brand, a collection of other, hand-picked local-artisan goods, special books and gifts and now coffee. Galmarini recently opened a cafe in the back of her San Anselmo location, which features selections from the Lady Falcon Coffee Club. They roast the premium joe in small batches in Oakland and sell it in vintage-styled pink packaging—the perfect gift to caffeinate someone’s Christmas. neveandhawk.com

As streaming services like Spotify have gradually replaced the crates and shelves and CDs that once represented our music collections, there are still some music aficionados on our gift lists who prefer their music served not from the cloud but on the record, so to speak. Thanks, in part to Millennials’ fetishizing of analog media and the foresight of retailers like Barry Lazarus of San Rafael’s Red Devil Records who never abandoned the medium, there’s been an appreciable spike in vinyl sales. Music fans of any genre, age, and disposition will undoubtedly find something to spin and enjoy at Lazarus’ Fourth Street location. Recent offerings include “seven inch” records featuring local luminaries like Huery Lewis and the News’ “opaque” vinyl release of its latest endeavor, Plansville, and releases by the Monkees featuring the late great Peter Tork, who lived in Fairfax in the 70s. Red Devil Records also boasts a large, well-curated collection of vintage vinyl selections (and is always in the market to purchase select items from the public).  reddevilrecords.net

If you’re a regular Amazon shopper, here’s some, ahem, prime numbers for you: In 2016, Amazon and its third-party marketplace vendors sold $18.3 billion of retail goods in California. Good business, right? Civic Economics, an organization that provides a data-driven approach to business and community initiatives, tallied the numbers behind the numbers. Apparently, Amazon’s transactions that year resulted in 6,030 displaced shops (or 52.2 million square feet of retail space), 87,338 displaced retail jobs, and up to $742 million in uncollected sales taxes. Local economists might suggest you keep these stats in mind when you considering where to buy that book you plan to put under the tree. There are many bookstores throughout Marin County but by far the most ubiquitous is Copperfield’s Books, with 10 locations in the tri-county area (including relatively recent additions in Novato and Larkspur Landing). copperfieldsbooks.com

Likewise, the perennial favorite Book Passage has a vast inventory and an endless lineup of top-tier author speakers. bookpassage.com

A favorite in San Anselmo, of course, is Whyte’s Booksmith, nestled right downtown about a block’s stroll from Imagination Park. Among the popular titles getting gifted this season are The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate―Discoveries from A Secret World by Peter Wohlleben and Jane Billinghurst, Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and Margaret Atwood’s The Testaments. Whyte’s Booksmith also offers used preloved titles. facebook.com/whytesbooksmith415 

Ditto Town Books, a used bookstore run by the Friends of the San Anselmo Library, which stocks over 1,000 books, DVDs, and CD audio books across genres and boasts a children and teen section as well. townbooks.org

For a more passive but exhilarating aesthetic experience, there’s always the movies. When one thinks of “giving the gift of movies,” however, this often amounts to telling your college student/best friend/ex your Netflix password. You can do better than that. Keep your movie money local by buying a gift card from one of our local theatrical exhibitors. The Smith Rafael Film Center (San Rafael), Cinemark (throughout Marin, including the CinéArts Sequoia), CinemaWest (Fairfax Theater) and The Lark (in Larkspur) all offer premium theatrical experiences—many with wine, beer, and gourmet goodies. Get a gift card for the cineaste in your life and enjoy the show together (or savor a couple of hours of alone time). rafaelfilm.cafilm.org, cinemark.com, cinemawest.com, larktheater.net.

For those interested in keeping both their spending and the contents of glass county-centric, Jerry Horn of Tiburon Wine has several Marin County bottles on hand.

“Our clientele are “homers,” to an extent—they like to support local products when they can and then also the small amount of tourists that we see are also kind of interested in a local product,” says Horn, known colloquially as Dr. Champagne, owing to his extensive knowledge of bubbly.

“We have a few Marin County wines that we’re very proud of—one that we’re pouring by the glass called Easkoot is a pinot noir from Chileno Valley, which is now included in the Petaluma Gap appellation. It’s just absolutely a stunner at $36 a bottle.”

Horn keeps his wine prices affordable and definitely within the “gift zone,” from $25 to about $50 on the outside. Naturally, Dr. Champagne recommends his namesake beverage as a perfect gift.

“The gift that really resonates as far as giving it to people whose tastes may not know very much about is champagne,” he says. Even if your recipient isn’t an outright fan, Horn reminds that a bottle in the refrigerator at-the-ready can be shared with their own holiday guests—it’s a gift that keeps giving. tiburonwine.net