The title of this edition comes from the subject himself—Thomas Botzler, whose confrontation with death has lent his languaging a stark directness and impact.
“Gravitas” is a word that comes to mind, evoking “graveness” and “weight.” And yet Thomas carries his own tired body with a certain lightness of being. Death has enlightened him.
Thomas has fourth stage (metastatic; spreading) cancer. While stage four cancer is not necessarily terminal, the continued growth of his cancer in treatment and narrowing options have caused Thomas to treat his own cancer as life-ending. This is not an uncommon story. Sixty-five hundred people in the three counties in which this article will be printed are (knowingly or unknowingly) in the last year of their life. Twenty percent of them (one in five of us) will die from cancer.
What is uncommon about Thomas is that he has chosen not to enter into mute seclusion but to enter the public more fully, and share his end of life story with us.
He wants to document his real life for the grandchildren he shares with his wife, Lisa Marie. And he wants to address something that has always bothered him—an American culture of dying and death that refuses to acknowledge the greatest fact of life (that it ends). Here, Thomas stands as an advocate for the dying—and for their families—an example to his grandchildren, and to us.
For the first of two conversations, I visited him at the store he owns and co-curates with Lisa Marie, Local…ish. The concept is in the name. He toured me, and as we spoke we stood between a section containing local wines, beers, ciders and shrubs, and that of a complete selection of biodegradable feminine hygiene products.
Cincinnatus Hibbard: You’re currently in chemotherapy?
Thomas Botzler: Yes, I am in my third week in this round—my off week, and I’m more productive.
Tell me, what is the worst symptom of chemo?
Neuropathy. For me, that is a painful tingling in my hands and chest triggered by changes in heat or energy—just clapping can set it off. It’s like wearing a burning hot steel wool sweater.
What do you think happens when we die?
I don’t know. I’m not religious. But I am comfortable not knowing … and I am OK with life just ending. For some people [in his situation], the focus is on the hereafter. For me, my focus is here and the energy I put out here. I really don’t do things I don’t want to do anymore… In that way, cancer has given to me the same thing it has taken away from me—time. I go through my day-to-day and think about, do I want to spend my energy on this? I say no to things a lot—with no obligation or guilt. And if I’m tired, I’m tired…
Thomas, all your life you have moved from one place to the next. But here in West County, at the very end of your life, you have finally found community…
Truly, I thought I was looking for a place to die… But what I found here was a place that I could truly live.
Learn more: Visit Thomas and Lisa Marie Botzler at their store’s new location at 16355 Main St. in Guerneville. Local..ish will be reopening there Feb. 20. Follow this link for links to their social media, Thomas’ documentation of his cancer story and our full length podcast interview. Reach out. linktr.ee/Thomasbotzler.
