by Rick Polito
Friday, April 24 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian For most visitors, the Battle of the Smithsonian is dragging the kids past the gift shop without spending any money. (2009) Fox. 8pm
Bruce Jenner: The Interview Researchers say that the best way for a middle-aged Olympic medalist with a neurotic need for attention to explore feelings about sexual identity is in a two-hour, nationally televised interview. ABC. 9pm.
Hangar 1: The UFO Files Apparently, there are people who think Men in Black was a documentary. History Channel. 10pm.
Saturday, April 25 The Incredible Hulk This is the newer one with more action and less angst than the 2003 Ang Lee version. He just gets mad and turns into the Hulk. He doesn’t schedule a session with his therapist first. (2008) FX. 4pm.
When Calls the Heart We know many viewers find period dramas very romantic, but when you put the romantic interest in a Dudley Do-Right mountie suit you risk what cinema historians call “unintentional comedy.” Hallmark Channel. 8pm.
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda The giant alligator from the terrible giant alligator movie and the giant snake from the terrible giant snake movie come together for a terrible giant alligator and giant snake movie. SyFy. 9pm.
Sunday, April 26 AD: The Bible Continues We forgot that The Bible was an action flick. These look like passages from the Gospel of Jerry Bruckheimer. NBC. 8pm.
The Avengers With the sequel opening on Friday, now might be a good time to brush up on the background and subplots. Don’t worry. There won’t be a test. Unless you’re a 12-year-old boy—then there will totally be a test. (2012) FX. 8pm.
Stalked by My Neighbor Well, at least it’s convenient for both of you! (2015) Lifetime Channel. 8pm.
Monday, April 27 The Little Mermaid A mermaid princess decides to abandon her royal heritage and aquatic life when she falls in love with a land-dweller prince. Something similar happens to a lot of young women. But they usually dump him in their sophomore year. (1989) ABC Family. 7pm.
Castle When a sky marshal is murdered on their flight, Castle and Alexis must solve the mystery before the plane lands. On the plus side, they get all of his frequent flier miles. ABC. 10pm.
The Tonight Show In the closing days of The Avengers hype circus, Robert Downey Jr. reveals that Ultron is dating Siri. NBC. 11:35pm.
Tuesday April 28 Dancing with the Stars This is the10-year anniversary highlights show, including such treasured moments as the time we unplugged the TV so that we wouldn’t even know that it was on. ABC. 8pm.
Black Swan Natalie Portman plays a ballerina who descends into an obsessive spiral of self-hate and ambition as she games to be the lead dancer. Gee, we always thought that the ballet world was filled with confident young women with strong self-esteem and healthy body images. (2011) Logo. 8:30pm.
Last Days of the Nazis It turns out that there was no foosball table in Hitler’s bunker. History Channel. 9pm.
Wednesday, April 29 Flashdance Don’t let anybody tell you that exotic dancing and professional welding are mutually exclusive career choices. (1983) Sundance Channel. 7pm.
Godzilla In his most recent outing, Godzilla attacks San Francisco, but gets blocked by a fleet of Google buses and hordes of people protesting the Google buses. (2014) HBO. 7pm.
Thursday, April 30 The Breakfast Club At the 30th year anniversary, a theory has emerged that the only person in the school that day was the vice principal and all of the characters were just manifestations of different parts of his schizophrenic personality as he descended into the mental chaos of “self-detention.” (1985) ABC Family. 6:30pm.
Goodfellas Martin Scorsese’s sentimental ode to hard-working Italian Americans in pursuit of the American dream. (1990) Independent Film Channel. 8:15pm.
Walking Tall A Special Forces veteran becomes sheriff of a small southern town and takes on the local thuggery, carrying a big stick and a heavily edited copy of the Constitution. (2004) Showtime. 9pm.
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