That TV Guy

Week of March 13 -- March 19, 2015

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Russell Crowe (as Maximus in 'Gladiator') is looking awfully lazy here, but we still wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley.

Friday, March 13 The Day After Tomorrow Global warming shuts down the Gulf Stream, snapping much of Europe and North America into a sudden Ice Age, wrapping the cities in ice, paralyzing the highway system and forcing Sun Belt residents to become even more smug. (2004) American Movie Classics. 7pm.

King of the Nerds In the finale, one contestant is named “King.” We don’t know what the prize is but we’re pretty sure it does not include a tan or a decent haircut. TBS. 9pm.

The Tonight Show The hype train for the new Avengers premiere has begun. Tonight, Samuel Jackson reveals which eye he will wear the patch on. NBC. 11:35pm.

Saturday, March 14 Married at First Sight In this reality series, men and women meet and get married on the spot. They don’t even have the opportunity to get hammered and wake up in a Vegas hotel room with a bad tattoo and no memory of the night before. It kind of takes the romance out of it. A&E Networks. 8pm.

In an Instant A father and his daughter are attacked by a grizzly bear in Glacier National Park. Experts say the best thing to do when encountering a bear is to stand your ground and try to appear as large as possible. You can change your pants later. ABC. 9pm.

BloodRayne: The Third Reich A half human/half vampire warrior confronts a Nazi zombie army to thwart Hitler’s scheme to become immortal. This is the third film in the series, but don’t worry: You’ll catch on to the plot nuance and subtle character development by the second act. (2011) The Movie Channel. 9pm.

Sunday, March 15 Downton Abbey Marathon Don’t get excited. It’s pledge week. You’ll have three tote bags, a mug and a pack of “From the Desk of Robert Crowley” stationery. KQED. 6:30pm.

Good Will Hunting A young man with a genius intellect works as a custodian in a prestigious university, where he is discovered by a professor who interrupts him right as he is on the verge of developing a “super mop.” (1997) Sundance Channel. 7:15pm.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Capt. Jack Sparrow is back, this time hunting for the fountain of youth with Penelope Cruz, who, from what we can tell, already found it. (2011) ABC Family. 9pm.

Monday, March 16 Quantum of Solace In Daniel Craig’s second outing as James Bond, the secret agent takes on a ruthless syndicate aiming to seize and control the water supply of an entire South American country. If Whole Foods has taught us anything, it’s that you only need to control 16 ounces of water at a time to get rich. (2009) SyFy. 6:30pm.

Food Fortunes This is “Shark Tank” for food with inventors and chefs pitching food products and kitchen gadgets to a team of investors. The food investment community is very discerning, as evidenced by the Veg-omatic, the Chop-Omatic, the Slice-Omatic, the Egg-Stractor and the Yogurt-Powered Hot Dog Catapult. Food Network. 10pm.

Hotel Amazon Why are those mints crawling across my pillow? Travel Channel. 10pm.
Tuesday, March 17 Inside March Madness The real madness was putting $5 in the office betting pool. TruTV. 8:30pm.

Iron Man 3 In the third film, Tony Stark unleashes a squad of Iron Man suits equipped with artificial intelligence. Anyone who has tried to use a Roomba on shag carpeting knows how bad an idea that is. (2013) Starz. 10:55pm.

Wednesday, March 18 The Bleeding A soldier returns from Afghanistan to learn that his mother has been murdered and his brother is a vampire king. Some people have more trouble adjusting to civilian life than others. Maybe a support group would help. (2009) SyFy. 5pm.

CSI: Cyber An Uber-like car dispatch program is hacked to target specific customers. You’ll have to tune in to see what the criminals have in mind. We suspect something hideous like a Michael Bolton playlist on the stereo. CBS. 10pm.

The Sound of Music 50th Anniversary A look at a community of fans who go to conventions, gather online, trade trivia, sell memorabilia and annoy co-workers humming, “How Do We Solve a Problem Like Maria?” If you, or a loved one, start wearing clothes made out of curtains, seek help immediately. ABC. 10pm.

Thursday, March 19 Alien v. Predator: Requiem A pair of out-of-towners discovers a unique form of conflict resolution. (2007) Spike TV. 6pm.

Assault on Wall Street After a personal tragedy triggered by the loss of his pension to a greedy financial advisor, a veteran takes arms against the greedy financial institution that ruined his life. The police respond with a SWAT team, and applause. (2013) The Movie Channel. 6:20pm.

Gladiator A Roman general betrayed and sold into slavery is trained as a gladiator and forced to fight in gruesome, lethal battles before a bloodthirsty audience. Throw in an annoying host and some former child stars and it could be the next reality TV hit. (2000) American Movie Classics. 8pm.

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