By Amy Alkon

Q: I’m in a new relationship with the sweetest, most generous girl, but I’m hesitant to let her do nice stuff for me. In my previous relationship, every single nice thing my ex did was held against me later. I can hear her now: “Remember that time I brought you food at work? All the way across town?” Eventually, I’d wince anytime she did anything for me. However, my new girlfriend seems so happy to make me food or run an errand for me. Still, I feel uneasy. I keep waiting for her to turn into my ex and present me with a list of what I owe her.—Bad History

A: Aww, a relationship with an accounts receivable department.

Your ex’s human abacus approach—running a relationship on the, “Hey, what’s in it for me?” model—doesn’t bode well for happily ever after, and not just because it makes it hard to tell your girlfriend apart from one of those aggressive strangers who call at dinnertime, threatening to repo your car.

Social psychologist Margaret S. Clark explains that partners are more loving and generous toward each other when a relationship runs on the “communal” model (which describes love or friendship) rather than the “exchange” model (the merchant-customer relationship). The main difference between these relationship types is in the motivations for giving and the expectations in the wake of it. You give to somebody you love—like by giving your honey a massage—to make her feel good; you don’t wipe the lotion off your hands and then hand her a bill for $80.

Love relationships are often not entirely 50/50, and the payback from a romantic partner often comes in different ways and at a later date, and that’s OK. In an exchange relationship, however, people give to get. There’s careful accounting and speedy invoicing. When the mechanic fixes your bum tire, immediately after doing the work, he expects equivalent compensation—in cold, hard cash (or plastic). You can’t just kiss him on the cheek, chirp, “Thanks, cookieface!” and be on your way.

Looking back at your relationship with your ex, ask yourself something: Why did she view popping over with a lunchtime cooler—probably containing sandwiches and a Snapple—like she’d brought you her left kidney? Maybe she’s been counting in all of her relationships. Or … maybe this reflects Clark’s finding that people in relationships switch to an “exchange norm” when they notice that their partner is all take and take.

In your current relationship, remind yourself to credit your girlfriend for who she is—which you do by observing her actions and attitude—instead of fearing who she might be. You should also make sure you’re holding up your part of the giving. But give for the right reason: To make her happy—and not because you can’t bear to hear another woman yelling, “Owe, owe, owe!” during sex.

Q: I used to have a terrible temper. My girlfriend never experienced it, because I did major therapy before meeting her. Now, when I get upset, I step back, consider whether my beef is legit, and then think about how I can present it calmly. My girlfriend, who gets frustrated that I can’t always discuss things immediately, says I “bottle up” my feelings.—Formerly Volcanic

A: Rarely do you hear someone say, “So, I ran the issue by my therapist, made a list of pros and cons, meditated on it … and then went out and put a bat through the guy’s windshield.”

Admirably, instead of continuing to lose your temper, you got it a little red leather collar, and now you just walk it out of the room on a matching red leash. This doesn’t mean you “bottle up” your feelings. You’re simply giving reason first crack at your problems—which doesn’t exactly come naturally. Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky explain that we have two thinking systems: A fast-responding emotional system and a slower rational system. Your rational system does come around eventually—typically, just in time to grab a broom and dustpan to sweep up the pieces of the job or relationship that your trigger-happy emotional system just exploded.

Because relationships are happier when those in them feel understood and appreciated, it seems that you need to give your girlfriend the details on where you were and how far you’ve come. (Whaddya know, you didn’t spend those court-mandated anger management sessions with headphones on listening to Metallica.) Explaining this to her should help her understand that when you’re mulling things over, she isn’t waiting; she’s benefiting. Maybe you’ll get speedier at the reasoning process in time, but rushing you out of your cool-out corner is a bit like saying, “Hey, let’s make conflict resolution more like drunk dialing!”

By Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Actress Blythe Baird writes about the problem that arises when her dog sees her eating a peanut butter and chocolate chip bagel. Her beloved pet begs for a piece and becomes miserable when it’s not forthcoming. Baird is merely demonstrating her love, of course, because she knows that eating chocolate can make canines ill. I suspect that life is bestowing a comparable blessing on you. You may feel mad and sad about being deprived of something you want. But the likely truth is that you will be lucky not to get it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “I do not literally paint that table, but rather the emotion it produces upon me,” French artist Henri Matisse told an interviewer. “But what if you don’t always have emotion?” she asked him. This is how Matisse replied: “Then I do not paint. This morning, when I came to work, I had no emotion. So I took a horseback ride. When I returned, I felt like painting, and had all the emotion I wanted.” This is excellent advice for you to keep in mind, Taurus. Even more than usual, it’s crucial that you imbue every important thing you do with pure, strong emotions. If they’re not immediately available, go in quest of them.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Some night soon, I predict that you’ll dream of being an enlightened sovereign who presides over an ecologically sustainable paradise. You’re a visionary leader who is committed to peace and high culture, so you’ve never gone to war. You share your wealth with the people in your kingdom. You revere scientists and shamans alike, providing them with what they need to do their good work for the enhancement of the realm. Have fun imagining further details of this dream, Gemini, or else make up your own. Now is an excellent time to visualize a fairy tale version of yourself at the height of your powers, living your dreams and sharing your gifts.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): It’s not always necessary to have an expansive view of where you have been and where you are going, but it’s crucial right now. So I suggest that you take an inventory of the big picture. For guidance, study this advice from philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “What have you truly loved? What has uplifted your soul, what has dominated and delighted it at the same time? Assemble these revered objects in a row before you and they may reveal a law by their nature and their order: The fundamental law of your very self.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sportswear manufacturer Adidas is looking for ways to repurpose trash that humans dump in the oceans. One of its creations is a type of shoe made from illegal deep-sea nets that have been confiscated from poachers. I invite you to get inspired by Adidas’ work. From an astrological perspective, now is a good time to expand and refine your personal approach to recycling. Brainstorm about how you could convert waste and refuse into useful, beautiful resources—not just literally, but also metaphorically. For example, is there a ruined or used-up dream that could be transformed into raw material for a shiny new dream?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “There isn’t enough of anything as long as we live,” wrote Raymond Carver. “But at intervals a sweetness appears and, given a chance, prevails.” According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Virgo, you’ll soon be gliding through one of these intervals. Now and then you may even experience the strange sensation of being completely satisfied with the quality and amount of sweetness that arrives. To ensure optimal results, be as free from greed as you can possibly be.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “For a wound to heal, you have to clean it out,” says author Yasmin Mogahed. “Again, and again, and again. And this cleaning process stings. The cleaning of a wound hurts. Yes. Healing takes so much work. So much persistence. And so much patience.” According to my analysis, Libra, you should be attending to this tough but glorious task. Although the work might be hard, it won’t be anywhere near as hard as it usually is. And you are likely to make more progress than you would be able to at other times.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “The other day, lying in bed,” writes poet Rodger Kamenetz, “I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind.” He speaks for the majority of us. We spend much of our lives entranced by the relentless jabber that unfolds between our ears. But I want to let you know, Scorpio, that the moment is ripe to rebel against this tendency in yourself. In the coming weeks, you will have a natural talent for celebrating your body. You’ll be able to commune deeply with its sensations, to learn more about how it works and to exult in the pleasure it gives you and the wisdom it provides.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In his “Dream Song 67,” poet John Berryman confesses, “I am obliged to perform in complete darkness operations of great delicacy on my self.” I hope you will consider embarking on similar heroics, Sagittarius. It’s not an especially favorable time to overhaul your environment or try to get people to change in accordance with your wishes. But it’s a perfect moment to spruce up your inner world—to tinker with and refine it so that everything in there works with more grace. And unlike Berryman, you won’t have to proceed in darkness. The light might not be bright, but there’ll be enough of a glow to see what you’re doing.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here’s the dictionary’s definition of the word “indelible:” “having the quality of being difficult to remove, wash away, blot out, or efface; incapable of being canceled, lost, or forgotten.” The word is often used in reference to unpleasant matters: Stains on clothes, biases that distort the truth, superstitions held with unshakable conviction or painful memories of romantic breakups. I am happy to let you know that you now have more power than usual to dissolve seemingly indelible stuff like that. Here’s a trick that might help you: Find a new teacher or teaching that uplifts you with indelible epiphanies.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): According to poet Tony Hoagland, most of us rarely “manage to finish a thought or a feeling; we usually get lazy or distracted and quit halfway through.” Why? Hoagland theorizes that we “don’t have the time to complete the process, and we dislike the difficulty and discomfort of the task.” There’s a cost for this negligence: “We walk around full of half-finished experiences.” That’s why Hoagland became a poet. He says that “poems model the possibility of feeling all the way through an emotional process” and “thinking all the way through a thought.” The coming weeks will be a favorable time to get more in the habit of finishing your own feelings and thoughts, Aquarius. It will also be more important than usual that you do so! (Hoagland’s comments appeared in Gulf Coast: A Journal of Literature and Fine Arts.)

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Unless you work at night and sleep by day, you experience the morning on a regular basis. You may have a love-hate relationship with it, because on the one hand you don’t like to leave your comfortable bed so early, and on the other hand you enjoy anticipating the interesting events ahead of you. But aside from your personal associations with the morning, this time of day has always been a potent symbol of awakenings and beginnings. Throughout history, poets have invoked it to signify purity and promise. In myth and legend, it often represents the chance to see things afresh, to be free of the past’s burdens, to love life unconditionally. Dream interpreters might suggest that a dream of morning indicates a renewed capacity to trust oneself. All of these meanings are especially apropos for you right now, Pisces.

Homework: Imagine gazing into the eyes of the person you were 10 years ago. What do you want to say to the Old You? Freewillastrology.com.

By Richard von Busack

The Oscar-nominated Embrace of the Serpent is the biggest European guilt-whip since Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. The Colombian film contrasts two incidents in the life of the Amazonian shaman Karamakate, the last of his nation. He encounters two explorers, some 40 years apart, in the first half of the 20th century.  Karamakate (played in youth by Nilbio Torres) is a noble, scornful warrior. Braced against his 7-foot blowgun, he wears his thong like Superman’s trunks.

In 1909, the feverish explorer Theo (Jan Bijvoet), on assignment from the museum in Stuttgart, has traveled deep into Karamakate’s forest. He arrives in a dugout canoe by his friend and guide Manduca (Yauenku Migue), a refugee from the rubber plantations. The two seek a semi-legendary drug, derived from a rare flower called “Yakruna.”

The riverlands are blighted with massacres. There are border wars between the Colombians and the Peruvians. Rubber planters commit atrocities that rival Heart of Darkness.

Forty years later, a North American explorer named Evan (Brionne Davis) encounters the shaman (now played by Tafillama, aka Antonio Bolivar Salvador). The outsider says that he’s come to study plants. “That’s the most sensible thing I ever heard a white man say,” the shaman says. But the aged Karamakate has forgotten all his lore and become, he says, a “chullachaqui,” a spiritless ghost haunting the jungle clearings. On their travels together, they see rot and decline. A mission, once ruled by a flagellating monk, has gone full Kurtz. Seeing the crypto-Christian savages there, Karamakate exclaims—in case we didn’t get it—“They are now the worst of two worlds.”

The young director, Ciro Guerra, working from the diaries of two real-life explorers, lures you in with visuals so verdant and dense, in black and white widescreen, that you can almost overlook the moral simplicity. The shaman is self-sufficient—it’s the white men who need and want and grasp. Embrace of the Serpent bypasses heading back to Carlos Castaneda right into the realm of James Fenimore Cooper’s super-Indians. The movie keeps rebuking the clumsy packrat whites who carry so much with them: “They’re just things,” Karamakate says, as if he were one of those professionals you hire to get the clutter out of your house.