Friday, Feb. 27 Prometheus Ridley Scott, maker of the original Alien film waited 33 years to disappoint everybody. If he even utters the words “Blade Runner sequel,” an elite squad of comic book store commandos has vowed to kidnap him and secure him in an isolated holding facility. (2012) FX. 8pm.
Glee The New Directions group is booked to sing at a bar-mitzvah. This is how a lot of great bands got started—bands like The Rolling Gladstones and Pearlman Jam. Few people know that Lynyrd Skynyrd’s classic “Free Bird” was first performed as “Freidberg. “ Fox. 9pm.
Deepak Chopra: The Future of God Apparently, God is going to need a yoga mat. KQED. 9pm.
Saturday, Feb. 29 Jaws marathon A series of sharks and a series of really bad swimmers make cinematic history. American Movie Classics. 6pm.
Sister Act Doubleheader On the run from the mob, Whoopi Goldberg poses as a nun and coaches her fellow nuns to sing classic R&B. Whatever sin you have committed, whatever wrong plagues your conscience, you do not deserve this. Give yourself permission to watch something else. VH1. 6:30pm.
Kept Women A woman is lured into a neighbor’s basement, where she is trapped with another woman and held there for years. Over time, they bond. And get really good at foosball. (2015) Lifetime. 8pm.
Saturday Night Live Dakota Johnson, star of 50 Shades of Grey hosts the show. She was going to host earlier in the season but she was tied up. NBC. 11:30pm.
Sunday, March 1 Sister Wives One of the wives wants a divorce. We’re not sure how that works with polygamists. How many lawyers can you fit in one room? The Learning Channel. 8pm.
The Last Man on Earth With the world’s population decimated by plague, the star finds himself alone in the world. It’s a lonely existence, but on the plus side, there is plenty of parking. Fox. 9pm.
Monday, March 2 Scott Pilgrim vs. the World To date the woman of his dreams, a young bass player must defeat all of her ex-boyfriends. You have to do this in real life, too, only it happens in the woman’s head and she never tells you. And you can never win. (2010) Independent Film Channel. 7:45pm.
The Bachelor This is the episode where the rejected women recall their experiences. They have a whole truck of Ben & Jerry’s on hand. ABC. 8pm.
I am Dale Earnheardt The story of stock car racer Dale Earnhardt dramatizes his start on the dirt track circuit, his prowess in the NASCAR races, his untimely death and his posthumous beatification by the Southern Baptist Church. (2004) Spike TV. 10pm.
Tuesday, March 3 The King’s Speech A therapist helps King George V1 overcome a speech impediment and make a rousing broadcast speech at the onset of World War II after deciding that a hilarious outtake reel would do little to inspire the British people. (2010) Turner Classic Movies. 7pm.
Misery Kathy Bates plays an obsessed fan who cripples a novelist and chains him to a typewriter, forcing him to produce more copy. At our company, they’d call that an “employee incentive plan.” (1990) Sundance Channel. 7:45pm.
Hell’s Kitchen The winner tonight gets to spend an evening with William Shatner. The loser has to go to lunch with Will “Wesley Crusher” Wheaton. Fox. 8pm.
Wednesday, March 4 Snow White and the Huntsman The fairytale gets a violent reboot. Dopey is replaced by Deadly and Doc is a combat medic. (2012) FX. 7pm.Survivor The new season has three tribes—blue collar, white collar and “no collar.” The no collar contestants are free-spirited people who follow their passions with seasonal jobs and artistic endeavors. The winner from this tribe will get to move out of his or her parents’ extra bedroom. CBS. 8pm.
Last Vegas Robert Denior, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Kline play seniors who gather in Las Vegas for a bachelor’s party weekend. It’s basically The Hangover, but they replaced the cocaine with Metamucil. (2013) The Movie Channel. 8pm.
Thursday, March 5 Real Housewives of Melbourne Apparently, the United States does not have an exclusive on obnoxious rich women. Bravo. 9pm.
Dig In this new series, an FBI agent investigating the death of an American in Jerusalem uncovers a conspiracy set across thousands of years. As we have said of The DaVinci Code, if your conspiracy takes thousands of years to reach the goal, you need a better conspiracy. USA Network. 10pm.
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